My Secret (Now, Not So Secret) Obsession

Tom Welling.

Ellen…Ellen…Ellen…how can you overlook this man as a guest?  You had on Becks and even flirted with him!!  Why not my man Tom?  He’s superman, Ellen.  Come on!

BTW, some say David Beckham is the world’s hottest man.  Some are stupid.  It is so obviously my husband, and number two is Tom Welling.  That makes David Beckham like third or something.  Who knows?  I can’t count this late at night.

So how does this post have anything to do with Ellen or my mother, you ask?  You are thinking this is just an excuse to put up eye candy.  Perhaps, you are right.  Or…not.

Tom Welling is happily married.  He married a non-celebrity and it is working.  In fact they’ve been married a decade now.  He is surrounded by beautiful women and has remained happily married.  Oh, alright!  It was an excuse for eye candy, dammit!

Give me a day I’ll find a way to make it relevant to Ellen or Mom.  Until then…watch and enjoy.

Frequent Flyer Miles

So it seems Jon Gosselin is getting some mileage in–and not in the good way.  Apparently, he and his new 22 YEAR OLD COKEHEAD, er, former cokehead were traveling the globe with tacky designer, Christian Audigier with the hopes of making tacky clothing for children and using his kids as the “models”.  

Now, I realize that Kate was an uber-shrew (maybe something about the name “Kate”?) but did she deserve to be publicly replaced so quickly?  Ten years of marriage, eight kids… and this is all the respect he could show her?

I’m sorry, but…I don’t care WHAT the other person did or didn’t do to cause a ten year relationship to crumble.  For the sake of what you had once, out of respect for that…you don’t go prancing around with your new chippie when the whole world is watching–including your kids.  They only just filed for divorce a few weeks ago and he’s already taking up with someone else?  Yeh.  Stay classy, Jon Gosselin.

I can’t believe I’m about to post this, but: I feel bad for Kate Gosselin.

Kate, I am feelin’ ya.  No hard feelings?  Here, as a sign of my sincerity.  This one’s for you, girl. 

Alanis, sing it!

Holy Cowboys Are Gonna Have A Season, Batman!

This has absolutely nothing to do with Ellen, is only loosely connected to Mom, but word on the street is…

TONY ROMO DUMPED JESSICA SIMPSON!

Image courtesy of Flynet.

I almost cannot believe it.  No, that’s a lie.  I can believe it.  I never thought they’d make it to The Show.  She seems a bit…how shall we say…clingy?

Hold on a minute…hold on…there IS a link to Frequent Foreplay Miles!  Public displays of affection.  Mom is a firm believer in public displays of affection as a means of banking mileage.  I agree.  I think that when the more “celebrated” partner (Tony Romo, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Ellen DeGeneres) makes a huge deal about how great the other partner is, blah blah blah…that is completely adorable.

On the flip side when you non-stop brag about how your boyfriend is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and namedrop your significant other at every chili cook-off you’re invited to, that can be a tad bit annoying. Jess, take my advice.  Find someone that needs YOU.  Be the bees kness.

Back to PDA’s… Where is the balance?  How much PDA is too much?  Where does the border of Cutesburg end and Stalkerville begin?

Mom’s been at a Smart Marriage conference and too busy to follow the old blog, but maybe some day this week she’ll have a chance to weigh in.  What is the tipping point of PDA in a relationship?

Best of Ellen: Lady Gaga

I have resisted Lady Gaga for as long as I could.  For months I would bark out: She’s so overrated!

This morning I had to give in and finally admit to myself that it was all just wishful snarking on my part.  When you wake up singing “Pokerface” you have to admit that you have a problem.  I <gulp> like Lady Gaga.

Damn you, Pokerface!!!!!!  Damn you!

This is her LIVE on Ellen.  Singing.  Dancing.  Playing piano.  Dammit, she really is talented.

True Love: My Top Ten List

Writing about Liz and Dick the other day got me to thinking about those celeb couples who I think “got it” (Ozzy and Sharon) and those couples that I think have a “passing fancy”(Lezlo and SamRo).

As usual before doing my blog I decided to do a little research.  While researching “love” on Wiki I came across the following “diagram”:

Awesome!  Now I know that those wonderful butterflies are NOT an existential, transcendental gift wherein Fortune has decided to cast me adrift upon Love’s golden shores.  Nay!  Love is a conglomeration of dopamine, oxytocin, and other lovely chemicals.  Whoever created this diagram that breaks love down into all its chemicals and “symptoms”…THANKS.  I mean, really.  Thanks.  I really need an extra dose of reality because I certainly don’t get enough of it while bleaching socks.

*eyeroll*

If I wrote that wiki here is the picture I would have used:

*sigh*

Much better, eh?

Okay.  On with my list of real (as opposed to Austen heroes and heroines) couples I think have what it takes (or what it took) to make it on my “True Love: Top Ten List of Celebrity Couples”

10.)  Brangelina

Now, I know what some of you Aniston fans are thinking.  How can I put that homewrecker and cad on my top ten list?  Right?  Here’s why.  According to all parties involved no hanky panky occurred while he was married to Ms Anniston, and they have been together for several years now under the watchful eye of paparazzi, have three trillion children, and still manage to go out and get publicly giddy over a glass of wine together.  Ever seen them midway through an award show?  Ange’s swinging that wine glass around like a WASP after a regatta and she and Brad are still touchy feelie like a couple of teens.

9) Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale

Tell me these two don’t have some serious FFM’s in the bank to keep it going this long.  Rock stars with over fourteen years together, two kids, and both impossibly good looking????  Someone check with an astrologist because they must have met under a lucky star.  One look at the two of them and it is evident that they still enjoy each other’s company after lo so many years.

Aside: Hollywood/Celebrity years are like dog years.  Every year for a celebrity is like seven years for us, so by that standard they’ve been together around 98 years now.  Go you!

8.) Ellen and Portia.  I’m placing this video as my commentary.  It explains everything.

Aside No. Dos: Humor is the key to longevity.  The couple that laughs together, stays together.

7)  Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

I like ‘em.  Ben seems like a better man with her than with his past dalliances (cough, JLo, cough), and Jennifer is always smiling in his presence.  Two kids and a quiet subtle life?  Well, they aint looking like the rest of Hollywood.  Let’s rank this happy couple in our top ten, shall we?

6) Denzel and Pauletta Washington.  Twenty six years and you’re still sipping champagne together?  We salute you!

Go Pauletta!  You get you some!  You bought low and are holding high.  Imagine being married to the world’s sexiest man.  Now imagine staying married for twenty six years.  Nuff said.

5) Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

No, they haven’t been married as long as Denzel and Pauletta, and, sure, I should probably have ranked them ahead of these two, but…we women of a certain age salute Demi Moore.  Not only has she kept that aging portrait of herself well hidden from the world, ensuring her eternal youth, but she’s managed to snag one of the hottest boy toys Abercrombie ever put out (aside from Tom Welling, of course).  Another hearty salute from women everywhere!

4) Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

Why did I put them on their (aside from my soft spot for couples with tons of kids)?  Because Tim McGraw was honest and open enough to say: You have to work to stay in love.

Bravo, Tim.  Bravo.  Love is also about work.

3) Liz and Dick.   I won’t bore you with another post.  Just reread my last one on them.  For those that didn’t, watch the video and you’ll understand.

2)  Ozzy and Sharon

Now, previous readers know that I adore this couple for all their crazy, loving ways.  These two have been through it all and are still hanging in there decades later.  The Osbornes.  I love ‘em.

1) Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward (let me apologize for the song now)

They had over fifty years of marriage, well-balanced children, and a legacy of charity and good works that would put Angelina to shame.  I think we all shed a tear when Paul Newman died and we only knew him on film.  My heart went out to his wife and kids.  They seemed such a lovely family.

My Jane Austen True Love Award goes to the Newmans.  God bless ya!

Simply Ageless Review

Okay folks!  I have tried the “Simply Ageless” makeup.  Now for those of you that don’t really know me, I am a make-up maniac.  I have this incredible urge to, as the Brits would say, tart myself up a bit.  I love eyeliner, lip gloss, primers, etc.  So I feel like I have something to offer and that is extensible knowledge of makeup that works and makeup that doesn’t.  For example, Wet and Wild is generally cheap crap, but they have this neutral lip liner, sort of a coffee color that is the greatest lip liner on the planet.  The rest you can toss.  I like Estee Lauder perfumes, but I think the makeup is overrated.  The lipstick doesn’t last, the powder is flaky, etc.  I’ll tell it like it is.  So onto the Simply Ageless review.

Right off the bat I want to say that I feel they could have blended the swirl because that is exactly what you do when you put it on, but…whatever.  I get it.  It’s there to show you that something else is in the makeup.  It goes on light because it has a primer in it.  Personally, it’s like those combo shampoo conditioner products.  You either like the mix, or you don’t.  Simply Ageless gives you that primer-y feel but all at once.  I would rate the product a solid “7″, “8″ if you factor in price.  I am staying with Smashbox primer and foundation combo as my favorite, but again, I have rosacea and the green Smashbox primer makes my face look more even colored.  Simply Ageless is good for not accentuating wrinkles and not looking completely horrid by noon.  A lot of foundations start to evaporate on your face (you know they do) and by midday you look worse than when you woke up.

As an aside…the old Philosophy Package of: Makeup Optional…please, please, please Philosophy bring that whole package back!!!!!

Okay, back to Simply Ageless.  It looks better longer, doesn’t accentuate wrinkles, and feels pretty good on the face.  The only thing I would change, again, is the primer foundation combo.  Let me pick my primer.  However, considering that the Smashbox foundation + primer combo is approximately $40 and this is less than $20…well, that makes it quite the bargain for us ladies of an age.

Anyway, that’s the word!  Cheers y’all!

Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough

So this morning as I was reading my gossip sites I stumbled upon this article about Robin Wright Penn (better known to us kids of the 80’s as Princess Buttercup).  You probably know already that Princess Buttercup is married to Sean “a-hole” Penn. What you may or may not know is that they have filed separation and divorce papers like a gazillion times and for some reason she is still married to him and not Cary Elwes as I had always hoped she would. Even though the article is some bollocks about her saying modeling (not Sean Penn) screwed her up for life, the article touched on the ever-present elephant in the room their on again-off again marriage.  That got me thinking. What makes two people in an obviously volatile relationship keep coming back for more?  Why don’t they call it quits?  When all the world is looking at them and shaking their head…why do they keep it up?  The whole world looked at Robin like she was crazy, but…she keeps taking him back.  What gives?

Sean and Robin are not the only ones that pull this shizzle.  In fact, they’re not even the most famous.  Jackie and John.  His affairs were legendary (Hello, Marilyn???!!!)  Bill and Hillary.  How many times has Hillary dealt with his infidelity and kept on keeping on? But who I really want to talk about is my very favorite celebrity make-up, break-up couple.

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.  Married twice, divorced twice, and (as rumor has it) were in the middle of a clandestine affair and headed for marriage number three when he died. They met on the set of Cleopatra, each married to someone else, and eventually left their partners in a slavishly public way that sent the world into moral outrage.  The United States Congress–yes, I’m not pulling your leg, proposed banning them from the United States.  There’s our tax dollars at work, folks.  *eyeroll*

By all appearances this was a passionate and highly volatile couple.  Here is a quote from Richard Burton describing how he felt upon first seeing Elizabeth Taylor: “She was so extraordinarily beautiful that I nearly laughed out loud. She … [was] famine, fire, destruction and plague … the only true begetter. Her breasts were apocalyptic, they would topple empires before they withered … her body was a miracle of construction … She was unquestionably gorgeous. She was lavish. She was a dark, unyielding largesse. She was, in short, too bloody much … Those huge violet blue eyes … had an odd glint … Aeons passed, civilizations came and went while these cosmic headlights examined my flawed personality. Every pockmark on my face became a crater of the moon.” Okay ladies…be honest.  Tell me that having a man say this about you in a spontaneous, unscripted public interview wouldn’t curl your toes.  I mean…who talks like that?  Richard Burton, I guess.

As for Liz, she told Larry King (this almost twenty years and two husbands after his death) that Richard was the great love of her life, her soulmate (excerpt courtesy of Larry King):

TAYLOR: It was so intense. All Welsh people, I think, are extremely intense. Just by the nature of being Welsh. They are musical, they are poetic, they are visionaries, there is something very mystic about all Welsh people. And that sense of poetry and wildness, was where I had always wanted to be. I had wanted to be free, running in the rain on the grass, and just no, nothing to tether me, I just wanted to go.

KING: And he took — he went that route?

TAYLOR: He and I went that route together. And neither one of us pulled the other back. We just went forward.

KING: Were you soulmates, do you think?

TAYLOR: Oh, God yes.

KING: Yes, and the bad side, too, right?

TAYLOR: Good and bad. Because I have — I have a wildness too. I’m English, Irish, Scottish, French, Italian, German, Swiss. Pretty big mixture.

KING: The arguments must have been terrific.

TAYLOR: Wonderful.

KING: The making-up must have been fun.

TAYLOR: Oh, yes.

*sigh*

As naughty as those two crazy kids were I just have this feeling that theirs was a true love.  Soulmates, I believe it. So why do some people have this enduring love and others, like say “Jon and Kate” do not?  Why after boozing, whoring, and fighting can Liz and Dick still speak fondly of the other years after their divorce (“…I’d give everything I have if Liz would be mine again.”) and others let go without a glance back?  What makes these couples return to the other over and over and some couples move on? Is there such a thing as “soulmates”?  Or do these folks rack up so many FFM miles that there is always a little left in the bank? Mom’s away at a Smart Marriage conference or I would ask her.  Until then I leave you with this (and if you don’t tear up then you’ve got to be a man).

The Legacy of Michael Jackson

I am a child of the eighties.  Yes, yes, that’s exactly how old I am.  Hush.

I remember when Thriller came out.  Billie Jean.  Beat It.  Pretty Young Thing.  For two years Michael Jackson ruled the charts with number one singles.  Every single song on that album was a hit (note that I said “album”).  Gosh, Thriller must have stayed in the top 50 for like…you know, years or something.  It was a phenom.  Or as we said back then: Totally awesome!  Everyone had a copy of Thriller.  That’s just how it was.

Ahhhh, the eighties!  Magical times they were.  Great music and terrible, yet super fun, clothing.  It was a decade of John Hughes, Miami Vice, Madonna, and Michael Jackson.  Everyone wanted to be Molly Ringwald, date Jake Ryan, have the boys swoon over you like Madonna, and be able to dance like Michael Jackson.

Does anyone remember how back in the day people fought over who was better: Michael Jackson or Prince?  The naughty kids chose “Prince” (prolly cuz Darling Nikki allowed them to sing the word “masterbate” aloud).  The rest of the world said: Michael Jackson.

I can honestly say that I was more of a U2 and Pet Shop Boys kinda gal.  I was a wannabe Brit long before Madonna.  Be that as it may, no one could take away from the icon that was Michael Jackson in the eighties.  In fact, Michael Jackson shouldn’t have just been called the “King of Pop”.  He should have been called the King of the Eighties because he ruled that decade like Tom does Katie–oops!  I promised myself I wouldn’t snark.

His death gave me very mixed feelings.  For years his self-inflicted disfigurement, his attempts at looking like Diana Ross, his inability to quit sleeping with young boys in spite of the trouble it got him into, the weird masks over his children’s faces…all of this made me forget that he was also the cat who sang: Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough and Rock with You.

In death, I think we canonize everyone.  For the last fifteen years Michael Jackson was, to most, the Elephant Man, and in death he’s suddenly Mother Theresa.  While I wouldn’t go so far as to put up a Michael Jackson Holy Card and scapula and ask him to pray for me I would say that it has allowed me some perspective; enough to see him for what he was–probably the greatest entertainer pop music has ever known.

For all you kids who remember “Friday Night Video”…this ones for you.  Cheers!

I’ve Got You, Babe

So Mom and I were chatting about celebrity couples in the news and, of course, got to talking about Mark Sanford, his extra-marital affair, and his subsequent “return” to his wife.  I got home and began to google cheating.  At first I got the usual return, that it’s actually not about sex…you know, men cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do, women cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do–that sort of thing. Yeh, yeh, yeh, you say, spare the explanation on why those no-good prevaricators did what they did.  You’d still go Godfather II all over your husband if you caught him cheating.  I hear ya sister.

Here’s where the reading got interesting (Mom, you reading?)

Many of the therapists said that in order to make your marriage affair proof you must be pro-active, since cheating is not about cheating but loneliness.  Women, apparently need to hear: I need you.  I want you.  I can’t live without–woah!  I was getting all sparkly just hearing that! Dayum!  *fans herself*  I guess we do need to hear that!  Men, believe it or not, want to hear: Thank you so much!  You didn’t have to do that.  I appreciate your doing that for me. This psychologist that Dateline dredged up (his practice specializes in infidelity) swears that the majority of men complain that no one at home (aka “the wife”) ever thanks them for what they do do (heehee–sorry), but they will complain if they don’t do something.  *cringes guiltily*

So, according to this dude, men cheat because they want someone to appreciate them and not take what they do for granted.  Women cheat, predominantly, not for the sex, but for the verbal affirmations that come with any new romance.

I read on and was pleased to see what infidelity can be prevented simply by remembering to do the little things that you did when you were dating while you’re married.  Wow!  Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

So why don’t we?

Complacency?  Apathy?  Laziness?  Selfishness?  Yes.  Also, throw in a good measure of: if it aint broke, don’t fix it.

Mom’s book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, deals with this very topic.  Doing the little things, racking up the miles when times are good will prevent your relationship from taking a nosedive when times are bad.  Couples that spend time together, having fun together, supporting each other can weather storms like…oh…POLITICAL MUDSLINGING.

Check out this happy couple:

High school sweethearts, openly affectionate, a gazillion kids, eye contact, inside jokes–they’re like teenagers on a podium.  Whatever you think about Sarah Palin you have to admire her marriage.  It’s obviously strong.  Here is a man, content with being “First Dude of Alaska” instead of “Governor of Alaska”, father to like twelve kids or something and still openly admiring of his wife.  Her being a former beauty queen probably helps–oh, I kid!  I kid.  He’d love her if she weighed five hundred pounds and was toothless.  Right?

Let’s move on.

There’s another one.  The Obamas.  This couple rivals Tom and Katie for most over the top public displays of affection.  I remember when Tom was on the “O” show and doing his little couch jump.  I thought he was nuts, Mom thought he was smart.  Women, she says, like public displays of affection.

Looking at Michelle making the “O” face–Oh, stop it!  You were thinking it yourself!  Anyway, looking at Michelle’s look of delight I guess can agree.  What’s more titilating than having a powerful man think you’re the bees kness and share it openly to the world?

Looking at Mark Sanford and his poor wife that he must return to and “learn to love again” (Boo, frickin’ hoo) you might think to yourself: yeh, not happening.  But I’m an eternal optimist–or is that ‘internal’ cuz I clearly don’t always show it.  Ahem.  I’m an eternal optimist.  Couples can, I believe, recover from, yes, even Brazilian mistresses– if they have enough good times stored up in the bank, and a renewed conviction not just for fidelity, but happiness.  You can’t just go back and make it work.  You go back and make it worthwhile.

Take this couple, for example,

Infidelity.  Drug addiction.  Infidelity.  Drug addiction.  Cancer.  You name it, they’ve been through it.  Why are they together?  Why doesn’t Sharon want to kill Ozzy for dallying with groupies during the seventies or doing drugs in the…well, doing drugs?  Why didn’t Ozzy leave Sharon when she had sex with his guitar player?  In a nutshell.  Love.  They have this crazy, silly love filled with laughter and a real enjoyment of the other person.  They built up so many miles that nothing could take them down.

So, folks…keep it happy, keep it fun, say “thank you”, tell her you can’t live without her, and always, always remember to treat your sweetie like you would a hot brazilian mistress or Johnny Depp.

Allow me to leave you with another happy couple, singing one of my most favoritest songs ever!

Get Mom On Ellen: The Game

So for the folks that are still hanging in with me after my Jon and Kate hiatus…

I came up with a game proposal for Ellen’s contest and submitted it online.  Yay me!

My idea is to have a group of couples competing for Frequent Flyer Miles and a Romantic Getaway (sorry, I had to use initial caps on ya) by racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles.  Each couple would earn points for creativity (midnight picnic or public displays of affection) and the audience would help the couples “keep score”.  The couple with the most points would win the trip, obviously, but each couple would “win” because they would actually be building points with their partner that would be life-long.

What I think would be super nifty would be if a year later Ellen brought them all back to see which couples were still earning points.

Here’s my proposal and tell me what ya think:

Couples compete for romantic get-away (provided by airline to promote frequent flier program). Applicants submit video explaining why their relationship needs more romance & they should win. Producers narrow to 10 couples. By vote, viewers narrow to 3 that compete for 4-5 weeks. (Game based on Frequent Foreplay Miles, trademarked program from relationship coach Shela Dean, which combines our natural tendency to keep score with the idea that emotional foreplay is 24/7. Frequent Foreplay Miles are awarded for things that are good, kind, funny, supportive, etc., and deducted for things that aren’t! The higher the FFM balance, the happier the couple.) Week 1, 3 finalist couples appear on Ellen, win FFM by answering “do you know your partner” questions a la the Newlywed Game to establish beginning FFM balance. Weeks 2 on, finalists appear via Skype to explain how that week they earned FFM. Depending on producer preference, FFM awarded by judge panel (including Shela), audience, or viewer vote based on creativity, etc. Couple with highest FFM balance wins. Rules re spending limits for gifts, etc., keep playing field level. Shela will donate copies of her book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (out this fall) for audience and appear on show week winner announced. Shela could do off-camera webinar on FFM program for finalists before competition begins with bytes for on-air. Game will show all viewers how to have happier relationships. See www.ShelaDean.com.