I Love Men Who Sparkle
I just saw a tshirt on a “tween” that said: I <3 Men Who Sparkle. If’ I’d seen that shirt a year ago I would have thought she had just come from the Ice Capades or DuPont Circle, but now *heavy sigh* I know it just means that the person wearing it is a Twilight fan who is on “Team Edward”. For those Ellen fans who don’t know about “Edward” much less “Twilight” I salute you. I have not been able to avoid this knowledge so, please, forward me the name of the remote island you’ve been vacationing on for the past year because I want to go there. If you’re curious about the Twilight phenomenon then I submit this to you:
Yeh. I know. The hair. If you’re a mother you would be compelled to grab the kid and run him under a shower until its clean again. However, I have been told that he’s back to looking like this again <insert gratutitous kissing scene for any Twilight Teen that has stumbled onto this page accidentally>
Now, I am not a Twilight fan. Let’s get that straight right away. When I say that I think the character of Bella Swan is the biggest “Mary Sue” in print literature it’s not hyperbole. I really do. I think the novel is poorly written, the characters scream “fanfiction”, blah blah blah I hate Twilight. And yet….I’ve read the books (borrowed not bought) and have watched the movie several times already. In fact, I spent the whole movie griping to my husband about how terrible it is–to which he logically replied: Good! Then let’s stop watching it. Two hours later I am putting the DVD back in the case and griping about how the ending was total crap, and my husband agreed and then asked me why we had to buy the movie as opposed to rent it. I feebly responded with: It was on sale?
*mind flashes to the scene of Robert Pattinson playing piano*
Dear Lord! Do I love men who sparkle?
Get Mom On Ellen Idea No. 5004: Frequent Foreplay Miles Infomercial
Talking about the Frequent Foreplay Miles Calculator in my last post got me thinking (and you know how dangerous that can be!) Ellen loves infomercials!
We could make an informercial and post it on Youtube! Can you picture it? Mom and I are behind a counter with stacks of Frequent Foreplay Miles in front of us. To our left is a couple who has had some obvious issues in the past. Let’s call them “John” and “Cait”. *roll video*
John and Cait are having marital troubles. Cait feels like John doesn’t have the same priorities for raising their ten children, and she feels unappreciated and overloaded with housework. John feels like Cait belittles him and treats him like one of the kids. Mom arrives at their house “unannounced” where she proceeds to hand copies of her book along with the FFM calculator as they smile gratefully. *cut back to Mom and I*
Lisa: Well, Mom, that couple sure had their work cut out for them.
Mom: Lisa, they sure did! When I arrived John was deep in FFM deficit with Kate and his Foreplay Navigator had been sizzled by an electrical storm over Castrationville.
Lisa (shakes head): That sounds terrible! I really can’t see a way back from life as a eunuch.
Mom (smiles at the camera and winks): That’s what you think. John…Cait. Why don’t you tell us how things are going?
Cait (beams brightly at her husband): Shela, within three weeks of using your system John’s IQ went up by fifty points and I started to notice a real change in how he did things around the house. Instead of waiting on me to change his Depends he can now use the potty by himself. He has started to acknowledge my contributions in little ways like shopping at Whole Foods for me instead of the local Minimart. Also, the bonus “FFM Co-ed Shock Collar” you threw in has worked wonders in keeping him home on weekends. Thanks so much, Shela.
John: Yes! And I learned that preparing dinner in such a way as to enable us to eat on time is one way that Cait shows she loves us. After reading your book, Cait allowed me to use some of our royalty money from Bravo to undergo testicle transplants and now I am a fully functioning male again. Thanks, Shela!
Lisa (looks to her mother, surprised): Wow! You really made a difference in their marriage, Mom.
Mom: The secret to a happy marriage is earning those Foreplay Miles, Lisa. Well, that and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to Adam and Eve…
How Can You Earn Points From Miles Away, Jon and Kate?
Those TMZ guys managed to catch Jon and Kate as they were “vacationing separately” [Photo courtesy of TMZ]
Now, I don’t know about you, but I have yet to meet a couple who stayed together once they pulled the old “time apart” routine. Yeh, yeh your girlfriend was telling you just the other day about that couple she knew that took a breather and then turned around and got married, had kids, took a second honeymoon, blah blah blah. I heard about it, too–on the Urban Legend Lexicon under “Relationship Myths”! Har har. I kid, I kid.
My point is that it is a rare thing to get back together once you’ve let yourself have too much time apart. The fact that Jon is swigging beer and chillin’ with coeds doesn’t bode well for the “getting back together” option. The young chippie Jon hung out with the last time probably seemed like calorie free dark truffle cheesecake after Kate. When you have no responsibility you take life just a little bit easier. You don’t have the worry that comes with getting eight kids up and ready for school, or the fear of having eight kids during flu season. *shudders*
Now, you all know by now how I feel about Kate and that attitude of hers, but at the same time, as a mom, I know that it is hard to be as flirty as I used to be in the pre-kid era of my life. We still go out on dates, and I still find my husband to be the hubba hubba hotness he always was, but I will be honest enough to admit that things have changed. I used to go out with a rather cavalier attitude about when I would be arriving back at the old nest. Now, my eyes are on my watch at least once a half hour. Even if Kate weren’t able to turn men to stone with one glare it would still be difficult for her to compete with someone who doesn’t have one eighth of her worries.
Then again, Jon’s not the only one stepping out. Of course, Kate’s is for work *makes quotation mark gesture with fingers*. In all fairness to Jon–HECK! In all fairness to the Gosselin kids the second their marriage started to suffer Kate should have cancelled or postponed the book tour to see to her marriage. That’s how you earn points, baby! It would have shown the whole family–I love you more than I love our 8,000 sqft house. On that note…
Kate, let’s talk. You keep saying that “it’s all for the kids”. The kids aren’t the ones utilizing the personal trainer, okay? Just admit that it’s not just for the kids. A little honesty especially with the self goes a long way. I digress…
I honestly don’t believe there is any marriage so broken that it can’t be repaired, so I am still gonna keep these two in my thoughts and “vision”. I agree with Mom and hopes that Ellen steps in (before Oprah or Dr Phil) and offers them a chance to repair what was broken. No offense to the Great and Powerful O, but they need a little more humor and a little less financial help. They need to see some healthy relationships that can survive a tempest. They need…
A Pocket Frequent Foreplay Miles Accumulation Calculator!
Heh. Heh. Sorry…it just sounded like an infomercial there for a second. Not sure if Mom has even made one of those yet. If she hasn’t yet, she should. Picture it: Kate is about to verbally nail to the cross of negligence when he whips out the calculator and reminds her that he still has miles left in his bank. Chagrined, she slinks away and lives to bitch another day…
Forgive me. I had one too many espresso shots in my cappucino.
A Vision Board for the Gosselins . . .
Lisa’s Mom here . .
Okay, so now Kate’s brother and his wife Jodi have joined in the fray, going on national TV as the “voice of the kids.” Yeah, well, if they really want to help those kids they might consider not alienating their parents Jon and Kate. They might consider expressing their concerns privately instead of going for their 15 minutes of fame. Maybe then, they could be lovin’ on those sweet kids instead of wondering why they won’t be having anymore Thanksgiving dinners with the Gosselins.
Jon and Kate may be celebrities who voluntarily put themselves in the spotlight. But, come on, can we agree that nobody, nobody (yep, including you and me) could anticipate what it would be like to raise 8 little kids–with or without kleig lights? Heck, Lisa can tell you I struggled to raise one kid and I’m sure glad my mistakes aren’t forever memorialized on video tape. I’m sure glad the whole world hasn’t seen me act like a shrew or make excuses for my all-too-human failings. I can’t say that Kate comes across as warm and fuzzy or makes me want to break bread with her. But, then, I’m not all that eager to hang out with Jon either. However, there are 8 important, adorable reasons why we should be rooting for them, not against them. I’m with Lisa on this one . . . this marriage should be saved.
Ellen, are you out there????? How about a vision board for the Gosselins success in becoming one big happy family again? Your viewers love you because of your HUGE heart. So I’m thinkin’ most of them have big hearts, too. I’ll bet they could get behind a project like this. Imagine the power of a Vision Board created by millions of viewers! Whew! I get woozy just thinking about it.
Oh, and if you want me to come on the show to kick it off (I mean, it is my idea), just give a shout.
And On Another Note: I Need A New Do!
I’ve been talking a lot lately about two women with short hair (Ellen and Kate) at about the same time I’m considering taking a break from the Mom Bob and hacking mine off. I’ve had that shoulder length bob for years now, each summer telling myself that now is the time to make that leap into something visually more exciting, and each year I glumly say: Just trim the bottom.
I have told you a few times now that my love of Ellen began with stand-up. Back in the day (do the kids still say that?) when she did stand up I remember that Ellen sported a shoulder length bob. She has since moved to this:
This works. Very short. Very choppy. Cute. I likey. I just don’t know if I would “likey” it on me. I rather fancy something more along the lines of this:
This style comes from a movie that came out years ago (late 90s?) but I still love the cut. It looks really good on Paltrow. In fact, I like it much better than her current cut. Whenever I see this cut I want to take the short plunge. The problem is that I don’t have good hair luck. I would go in with that pic and come out looking like this:
Or worse yet…this:
So you can see my dilemma.
Getting Mom on Ellen: The Clooney Method
A light bulb went off over my head shortly after I blogged last. In my pursuit of Ellen I have tried to adapt to her ways: the vision board, the petition, the calling of the studio. While these things are all useful they are not exactly “quick”, therefore a little thinking outside the cube became necessary. As I pondered this issue over a Simply Limeade and bag of microwave popcorn (no lectures) it hit me! George Clooney.
Raise your hand if you saw the episode where Ellen ambushed George. *raises hand*
What???? You haven’t?!! Then feast your eyes on this…
If you are an avid Ellen watcher you know she tried to lure Clooney onto her show using various “baits” during 2000. She tempted him with hot babes, she tempted him with male strippers, but nothing worked. Finally she was able to snag him using baseball players (George is a fan). So here is the beginning of my “lure Ellen” into letting Mom on her show.
Ellen is from N’awlins, a city known for its awesomely, fantastically, epicur-tastic (yeh, I made it up) epic food and now has to live in tofu land. So, Ellen, if you’re out there (or at least a paid staffer) I will personally make or send three dozen beignets and chicory coffee to you if you let Mom on your show.
Think about it.
Get back to me.
Get Mom on Ellen Idea No. 5003: Maybe Mom Can Drink A Little Too!
Does anyone remember Gladys? You know Gladys–the “I love Jesus but I drink a little” Gladys? Yeh. That one.
Again, this is why I love Ellen. She can have fun with people without making fun of people. Hey! Maybe I can get Mom drunk and make her call into The Ellen Show? Help me out, people! What’s my next step?
Prop 8: How Not to Alienate
As you may have heard the California Supreme Court has decided against the proposal to overturn Proposition 8 which forbids same sex marriage in California. Wherever you stand on this issue at least we can agree that while we are “standing” we can all play nice. Obviously, as a gay person who did in fact get married in that slim window where it was legal in the state of California Ellen would feel strongly about Proposition 8, and yet she managed to monologue a slippery subject with a lot more warmth and humor than someone else in her shoes (or a similar brand) might deliver.
PS: The YouTube title is misleading. No one got slammed. Watch and you’ll see…
“…I dabbled. Who didn’t dabble?“
Ellen, I love ya. Even when facing an issue that clearly weighs on your heart you still manage clean cut humor. Bravo. You’re an example to us all.
Get Down From the Cross, Kate, and Let Jesus Back On!
I know this is supposed to be about my bid to get Mom on Ellen, but, Holy Hannah Batman!
Did any of you watch this mess???
I spewed coffee when I heard the: “…know I did my best.” Really, Kate. Your best? What’s your worst? And did it involve shapeshifting into a gorgonic, soul-sucking monster?
You have to wonder if these reality folks ever watch the shows they are on? Did she see the episode where she berated her husband for five minutes because he put the wrong shoes on one of the kids? Did it cause her to shiver and point at TLC producers condemningly? I’m sorry, Kate, but If TLC is depicting you so “inaccurately” and you are in fact not a harpy on crack then why allow this to go on for five seasons? Why put your children into the position someday of having to defend their mother to the entire universe? This makes sense how? It only makes sense in the context of selling out the integrity of your family for money and endorsements.
I honestly wish I could talk to Jon and Kate for twenty minutes. I would bring my laptop and show them the episodes from the First Season. Jon and Kate’s smiles were genuine. They laughed together. They touched each other. Maybe they got a little snippy, but it was a natural kind of snippy. Not the kind where you impersonate the couple from King of Queens.
I wish Mom could talk to them. I really do. I think if they could just see that the other person is there, is trying, albeit not always in the way the other would like, but is making the attempt maybe it would stall out the unrecoverable spin they are in. I wish they could start to put points back in the bank. I would love to see them kick TLC out of their home. I would love to hear about their next book: Multiple Beginnings where they discuss the hard road back to happiness.
Kate, if I may make a suggestion…watch those early episodes, watch the times where you were on The 700 Club, listen to yourself say that Jon was “your rock”, listen to yourself say that you couldn’t have made it without his strength and put some points back into his FFM bank. And Jon, if Kate forgives you then load her Frequent Foreplay Miles account to the top. Eight children would put any marriage to the test. Add televisions cameras, the lure of easy money, and fame to the mix and you need to get down on your hands and knees and thank God this meltdown didn’t come two seasons sooner.
Now, get into therapy. If you’re in therapy, double up. You both, and (I would be wrong if I didn’t point this out–) your children, deserve it.
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