Why Mom Should Be On Ellen

Gosh!  There are so many reasons why Mom could be on Ellen.  She’s had bad perms (haven’t we all?).  She’s done something she shouldn’t (haven’t we all?).  She has an unusual talent (ummm???).  Okay, so maybe she isn’t epic on Guitar Hero (I might have fudged the petition a little in the heat of the moment), but she could be–you know, like if she practiced for a while.  My point is that Ellen should have Mom on her show and there are many excellent reasons why.

Mom is funny. I don’t mean this in that “ha ha” she just did something amusing kind of way.  I mean my mother can work a room!  Did you ever see Postcards from the Edge?  Okay, think Shirley MacClaine’s character only without all  the pill popping and boozing.  People love to have Mom around because she’s smart and entertaining.

Mom is helpful. My mother is helpful in all of the typical mom ways.  She helps with the kids.  She gives me late night advice.  She always manages to make me feel beautiful and special even when I feel frumpy and ordinary.  AND Mom is also good at helping other people that aren’t biologically related to her.  Mom works with marriage and couple’s counseling and is pretty darn good at it, I must say.  She invented this relationship technique–maybe it’s a “tool” not sure exactly how that sort of thing is described in self-help circles.  It’s called “Frequent Foreplay Miles” and it lets couples keep score in a relationship in a good way (as opposed to the building-a-case-for-divorce kinda way).  I think Ellen and her audience would find it helpful and fun.  More on this later…

Mom is a smarty. Mom would be able to solve the entire financial crisis and get us out of Iraq in like less than ten minutes if she were president.  Yes, she’s that smart.

Mom is fashionable. You know how everyone goes crazy after Oprah’s: My Favorite Things show and starts crashing webservers buying up three hundred dollar lounge suits?  That’s nothing compared to what will happen after Mom’s segment is over.  I don’t think For Eyes has enough stock in their entire fleet of warehouses to cover the orders for her glasses after the audience gets a load of ‘em.  Trust.

Lastly, Mom has a huge heart just like Ellen. People respond to sincerity and kindness.  That is why Ellen’s show took off and that is why my mom would be a great guest.