Get Mom On Ellen Idea No. 5004: Frequent Foreplay Miles Infomercial

Talking about the Frequent Foreplay Miles Calculator in my last post got me thinking (and you know how dangerous that can be!)  Ellen loves infomercials!

We could make an informercial and post it on Youtube!  Can you picture it?  Mom and I are behind a counter with stacks of Frequent Foreplay Miles in front of us.  To our left is a couple who has had some obvious issues in the past.  Let’s call them “John” and “Cait”.  *roll video*

John and Cait are having marital troubles.  Cait feels like John doesn’t have the same priorities for raising their ten children, and she feels unappreciated and overloaded with housework.  John feels like Cait belittles him and treats him like one of the kids.  Mom arrives at their house “unannounced” where she proceeds to hand copies of her book along with the FFM calculator as they smile gratefully.  *cut back to Mom and I*

Lisa: Well, Mom, that couple sure had their work cut out for them.

Mom: Lisa, they sure did!  When I arrived John was deep in FFM deficit with Kate and his Foreplay Navigator had been sizzled by an electrical storm over Castrationville.

Lisa (shakes head): That sounds terrible!  I really can’t see a way back from life as a eunuch.

Mom (smiles at the camera and winks):  That’s what you think.  John…Cait.  Why don’t you tell us how things are going?

Cait (beams brightly at her husband): Shela, within three weeks of using your system John’s IQ went up by fifty points and I started to notice a real change in how he did things around the house.  Instead of waiting on me to change his Depends he can now use the potty by himself.  He has started to acknowledge my contributions in little ways like shopping at Whole Foods for me instead of the local Minimart.  Also, the bonus “FFM Co-ed Shock Collar” you threw in has worked wonders in keeping him home on weekends.  Thanks so much, Shela.

John: Yes!  And I learned that preparing dinner in such a way as to enable us to eat on time is one way that Cait shows she loves us.  After reading your book, Cait allowed me to use some of our royalty money from Bravo to undergo testicle transplants and now I am a fully functioning male again.  Thanks, Shela!

Lisa (looks to her mother, surprised): Wow!  You really made a difference in their marriage, Mom.

Mom: The secret to a happy marriage is earning those Foreplay Miles, Lisa.  Well, that and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to Adam and Eve…