Frequent Foreplay Miles: The Game?
So you all know that Ellen has this new contest to introduce a new “game” to Ellen’s show. For awhile now I have been after mom to take her book and turn it into a Frequent Foreplay Miles calculator/program–you know, a place where folks can place all the important dates and have it remind them to buy flowers or a new golf club, or where you can rack the points up on your sweetie? Well, why not on Ellen’s show?
I’m thinking that it could be several couples tracking their Frequent Foreplay Mileage for a few weeks, sort of a behind the scenes contest, through this anonymous internet calculator and the winning couple would get some sort of prize. I think there would be two benefits, 1) Mom would get on Ellen–no, three benefits: 1) Mom gets on Ellen, 2) the winning couple gets a prize, and 3) all of the couples will spend a month trying to be so awesome to each other that they will earn enough mileage over the course of that month that they will have zero turbulence for the imediate future!
Ellen Degeneres: Simply Ageless Campaign
I guess I’m on a roll today…
So how many of us gals out there are “of a certain age”, the age where you hear the word “wrinkle filler” and the hair on your arms raises in the same way that hearing about a new Johnny Depp movie used to? *raises hand*
Well, for those of you out there who don’t like needles or maybe even don’t need the needle(s) yet…there are a gazillion new products on the market to fill in those lines and make your tired skin feel brand new. For those with upper middle-class money (I’m not even going into JLo money)–yeh, yeh, in this economy there’s no such thing anymore…how about “upper middle class desires”? Okay, for those with upper middle class desires there’s Bliss and it’s Youth As We Know It products and L’Occitane’s Immortelle line. Having tried both I lean towards L’Occitane, but then I have Rosacea and can’t use just anything on my tired skin. For “everyone else” (aka those who choose not to spend over $35 dollars on a jar of anything even if it is pure gold) there is Nutrisse, L’Oreal, Revlon, Oil of Olay, and Covergirl, which brings me back to Ellen.
Ellen is the face of CoverGirl’s line of anti-aging makeup called: Simply Ageless. Allegedly this makeup will sit on top of your wrinkles and make you look smooth. It has this sort of white swirl in it (a primer, I assume) and uses Olay’s “Regenerist” serum. I have tried their Regenerist face wash and can recommend that, so trying the Simply Ageless foundation is father tempting.
Therefore as part of my Get Mom On Ellen Campaign, I am going to attempt to absorb all things “Ellen” including her Cover Girl make-up.
Okay, that’s just an excuse. I wanted to try it anyway, but I am dedicating my attempt to Mom. How’s that?
It’s at least $7 bucks cheaper than the smallest MAC (which sadly does not “do it” for my skin anymore) and a whole lot cheaper than anything at the Macy’s counter. I like the swirl, I like Ellen, and I like trying new things so why not?
EDIT: I didn’t realize how many people were reading posts about anti-aging so in a gesture of fair play allow me to tell you what I have had success with.
Honestly,
- L’Occitane, L’Occitane, L’Occitane. Their Immortelle line totally got me compliments on my skin
- Philosophy’s Microdermabrasion kit. Holy G~d! The Microdermabrasion kit works like magic in taking a year or two (if not more) off your face. I cannot endorse this product enough.
- Bliss Oxygen Mask (couple this with the Philosophy kit and L’Occitane Immortelle)
- Smashbox primer: it is great for making you look less splotchy if you have Rosacea like me (and fill in the lines). If you have redness like me…TRUST ME…pick the green primer. It blends in and makes your skin look silky. I don’t even wear foundation when I have a tube. I just use the green primer.
- Avon (yes, you heard me) Anew Sculpt to tighten the flab
I will try Ellen’s Simply Ageless line next and update you folks on how it works. To firm and tighten your marriage try my mom’s book Frequent Foreplay Miles (how did you like that segue???) Tallying your Frequent Foreplay Miles is like taking years of mistakes off your marriage. Try it for one week and see how many people compliment you on your lack of gray hair and wrinkles…okay, okay, I can’t support that claim, but I can say that extra nookie does help make you look younger!
And Here We Go…
Well…I guess it’s on (or “off” as they case may be)
We all knew it was happening, but it is all very sad (and not well thought out).
As a mom I can’t fathom eight kids all by myself. I just can’t. After Kate’s public smackdown of Leah…I’m not sure she’s thought it out, either. I think that what we can take from this, if anything, is a couple that lost each other in the chaos. It wasn’t just eight kids. It was eight kids, ten cameras and camera men, four producers, two line cooks, several vans, production assistants, handlers, etc. How can you possibly have intimacy with that many people around? When it stops becoming your life and becomes an “episode” designed to get in the product placement that fuels the show…how do you have the spontaneity that all lives require? Could they have had just a rainy day filled with movies and popcorn? No. They couldn’t. It had to be an episode at Pots and Palettes or a day at Disney.
Where was Jon and Kate out as just a couple with no producers around? With all the helpers they couldn’t even sit back at the end of a long day, exhausted together, proud that they “made it through another one”. They took the money and ran without thinking of the real cost of doing a reality show. Where will all the producers and fans be when they are forty-five? Watching the next big thing. Where will they be? Maybe, if they’re lucky, with other people that may be willing to take on a large family but it will never be what it could have been had they met the challenge, learned to appreciate the other, learned to appreciate the love they built that family on.
In spite of my public feelings about Kate. I am sad because I remember this:
When you see this couple…you think that, yeah, they’ve got what it takes to last. It’s all very sad and my prayers go out to them right now.
Best of–er, Worst of Ellen: Pamela Anderson
Ellen has the strangest friends, it seems. It is obvious to me that somewhere between this
and this:
is enough men and blow to read like Pablo Escobar’s prison dossier.
What I find alarming about her stint on Ellen–correction, what I find the most alarming about it is her almost lessaiz fair (btw, I soooo want to spell it: “lezzaiz faire”) attitude about marriage and relationships. I know this will come out wrong, but I sincerely hope it’s the drugs and/or alcohol talking or else that is a pretty crappy attitude for a mother of two boys under fourteen to have to express publicly about marriage. Sheesh, that comment about 36 days being the “midway” point through a marriage of hers made me ill. We all know that there is no guarantee with any marriage and that a great portion do end in divorce, but there is still that notion of at least giving it the “old college try”. It does not compute with me those less than three month marriages–especially in those weird cases like Drew Barrymore and Tom Green who dated for years and married for days. What got these couples so rev’d up and raring to get hitched only to burn out in less than two months? The drive for sex lasts more than two months. It just does not compute. Did they really in that short amount of time exhaust every avenue before calling it quits? I’m sad when you see the folks that put up a good fight before letting go, in the case of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, or Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon…neh…not so much. And yet, I always route for her and Tommy Lee to get back together. Why? Because they have history; they have a story and that story can keep a couple together or bring them back together.
Mom’s book/approach of keeping Frequent Foreplay Miles isn’t, as she puts it, for relationships that are completely broken. It is for those couples that want to correct their current flight pattern or enhance what was already good to begin with. It isn’t for those who decide that marriage is not a committment or that “committment” is only a suggestion. It is for people that have good times to build upon. No judgments on Pam Anderson or the romantic comedy writers of America (Hello! What Happens in Vegas), but Mom’s approach isn’t for people that have a three week dating period prior to becoming legally wed. It is for people that have a story that they can build upon, a story that will help them weather the storms of life.
He’s Just Not That Into You Because He’s A Jerk, Jennifer
So I found this little ditty (or is it “diddy”?) of Jennifer Anniston on Ellen when she was there to promote the “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie. Check it out!
Let me speak to the pink elephant in the blog-room. Angelina. Isn’t she always the first image that pops to mind when people say: Jennifer Anniston? Yup. Thought so.
I have always been an Angelina Jolie fan through all of her incarnations. Wild child. Humanitarian. Mom. I always liked her. Still do. The same is also true for Jennifer Anniston. More than even a young Meg Ryan, Jennifer struck me as the girl next door. She is uber cute and just so darn affable. In the days of “Team Jolie” versus “Team Anniston” I could never really take a side. In fact, I was more disappointed in Brad for handling things in such a way as to make both women look their worst; making Angie look the home-wrecking adulteress and Jennifer as “day old bread”.
If you watched the clip above you saw where it ended with Ellen teasing her about John Mayer, her then-boyfriend, and how happy and silly Jennifer looked. I think they broke up like two weeks later. 
With every relationship of Anniston’s that ends I feel a twinge of sadness. When Mayer and Anniston broke up I just knew it had to be because he’s a jerk. Cuz I’m judgmental like that.
Whenever I see Anniston on the cover of some celeb mag with “breakup” in the headline it makes me wish that I was one of her close girlfriends. I would take her out for coffee, sit her down, place a hand upon her knee and tell her gently that she needs to find someone who understands just how lucky he is to be with her (IE, not a celebrity). For once, Jennifer needs to be “just not that into him”. I think when that happens we would all applaud with a hearty: You go, girl! After numerous public endings you that leave her looking just a bit “desperate” I would love to see her come out looking like a femme fatale. But that’s not the image Hollyweird seems to want for her. The tabloids always paint her, whether it is true or not, as the “dumpee“. So sad. Doesn’t anyone get that she is “us”? That we identify with her more than the Megan Foxes and Angelinas? We need to see her in an R-E-S-P-E-C-T moment where she tells the Brads and John Mayers of this world that she deserves better. But more than that, I think we all want a real happy ending for Jen, dammit.
He’s Just Not That Into You is still a chick flick and like all chick flicks it stops with the traditional happy ending (an engagement, the kiss, moving in, learning to stand on your own). What these movies don’t know how to do is show a happy couple that isn’t the “plucky sidekick” to the single man/woman. The happy couple is always the brother and sister-in-law to the protagonist. They are madly in love with two to three small children and one snarky teenager, all of whom exist only as a plot device, doling out sentimental anecdotal advice to the lovelorn. We never see their story. Honestly, I don’t think Hollywood actually believes in marriage or commitment (the Newmans and the Hawn-Russell unions aside) and therefore doesn’t know how to write it.
Ooops! I did it again. I think going off on tangents has to be my super power. I’m Tangential Woman! Able to make long leaps of consciousness streams in a single bound.
Back to the Ellen Show…
I harken back to this over and over, but rather than put on another pre-dating guide what Ellen needs to do is to have on a post-acceptance test counselor that tells you what to do once you’ve begun dating that guy/girl with potential–or how to treat the one you love in such a way that they know it and feel it every day (or at least every other day). Even Hollyweird couples can have long-lasting relationships if they remember how to keep up their foreplay mileage and make intimacy a daily deed.
Anyhoo, back to Jen. If I could pick someone for her and it had to be a celebrity and not my co-worker I would pick John Stamos. The man only gets better looking with age, seems genuine and friendly, and doesn’t have a history of ladykilling behind him. He would be a good match for Jen.
One last tangent and then I’m off. Jen’s 40 yr old abs could kick the crap out of any other female from 20 to 50 in a contest and if you notice she is slender without looking skeletal *cough, Angelina, cough*.
Steve Harvey Says To Think Like A Man
There are so many books out there advising women on how to think like men. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and He’s Just Not That Into You are among the most well recognized. Comedian Steve Harvey has thrown his hat into the ring with Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Here he is on Ellen to explain how we women are to do just that…
Okay, so I am not denying that it is helpful to know upfront if he’s “just not that into you” and how we need to put a timer on the pre-engagement clock. I get what the Bob Grants of the world are trying to tell us with “don’t send that email”. And, by the way Bob, I didn’t. I guess what I want is more of what Mom is doing. I’m in a happy relationship and want to keep it that way. I want to know how to make the one I have as happy and lasting as possible. I want to figure out how to keep the sex alive with kids in the picture. I want to figure out how to be attractive when I have a deadline at work and a costume to make for the school play and my nerve endings could substitute for nitroglycerine.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode of Sex in the City. I applauded Berger for setting it straight. It’s just…I’m not single and in search of the perfect guy. I don’t need Steve Harvey or Greg Behrendt right now. I also don’t need Dr Phil lecturing me. I need something a little more fun and a little more practical to my life.
Even if Mom wasn’t my…well…mom, I would still recommend her approach. We all keep score, so why not put the scorekeeping to our advantage. Frequent Foreplay Miles has certainly helped my marriage. We even take it a step further with a chart on the wall so that if my husband wants to remind me of something he’s done he can put it on the chart (just so I don’t forget).
Come on, Ellen! Let the singles sit a spell and put someone on for those of us who are already married.
Going Into the Vault: Kate Winslet on Ellen
Oi, mates! I was so down that I had to blog on something or someone near and dear to my heart in a way that is also related to Mom and/or Ellen. I think I found the perfect someone! So grab us a pint and check out me girl, Kate Winslet, on Ellen.
Kate describes to Ellen what it was like working on the film “Revolutionary Road” with her husband, Sam Mendes, and Leo DiCaprio (her avowed “best friend” and someone it was rumored she had an on-the-set romance with years prior). Her husband had to direct his wife in love scenes with a younger man, a man considered by many to be quite the hearthrob, and yet their marriage did not seem to be jostled by it (at least on the surface). Hearing her boast of her husband’s successes. defering to him publicly in ways that shows her pride in him and their marriage shows me that these two know how to rack up the Frequent Foreplay Miles. Their close working relationship also shows that this is a couple that is able to be intimate on and off the set.
I have blogged a lot about Jon and Kate (strangely cannot find any proof of Ellen ever having them as guests) as proof of what not to do, how not to behave, so I figured I would bring the conversation back around to the positive and show couples that are “doing it”.
So to Kate and Sam…cheers! *lifts pint and takes a swig*
Getting Mom on Ellen Not as Important as Getting the Word Out
Howdie folks!
I have had a minor health crisis of the sort that forced an unscheduled stop in my campaign. Upon returning to the world of the living I turned on the news right in time to see this:
At first, I had no words. I was silent. I sat there staring at the television just shaking my head, sympathizing with these two women, wondering how in the hell their families were holding up, wondering what the US Department of State was going to do about this bullshit–I got angrier and angrier until I was shaking.
I was angry that these women who were out there trying to shed light on injustice could be victims of it themselves. I was angrier with all of us good folks here at home who will forget when it is no longer “top story” news. I was angry when I realized that this anger and indignation on my part will temper in the same way that it did with the reports coming out of Darfur and the refugee camps.
So while I am still angry, while I am still ignited I will speak. We must do something. We must do it while we’re angry, while the fire is still in our hearts. Save Darfur by donating to the public voice attempting to light a fire under the politicians, donate to Catholic Relief Services, Oxfam, or World Vision to provide food and immediate relief…write the White House and tell the President that you are outraged over North Korea’s imprisonment of US journalists. Do something. Do it while you are angry.
I’ll try to be funny again soon. Right now I’m too angry.
Ellen And the Art of Being Nice
Took a LegoBatman break and began tubing to see what sort of Ellen + relationship advice video I could put on the blog when I stumbled across her interview with Lindsanity.
Now, if you bothered to watch the vid you can see that she is trying to counsel a very troubled girl, one quite possibly back on drugs (notice all the nose touching and jittery maneuvers) into going somewhere serene and just rebooting. She put it nicely in context of her own breakup with Anne “Jesus’ daughter” Heche so as to put Lindsay in a safe place. OT: tangent lady wants to recommend “Crucial Conversations”. Great book on how to talk to people about the tough stuff. Ellen definitely is using tactics here from that book. She also says quite nicely that maybe Lindsay should stay home and not go to clubs. *tries not to smirk*
Now considering how hopped up Lindsay was in this interview I am not sure if Ellen was being tactful or enabling. I would have said something to do with feces cutting and faciting reality, but then this is why Ellen has a talk show and I do not.
Mom is also better with this sort of thing than I am capable of. Don’t get me wrong. I am a good girlfriend to my girlfriends, a compassionate mom and wife, but I don’t think I have the tact to be a relationship or self-help guru. I wonder if put into a room alone with Lindsay if Ellen would react/act in the same way. I also wonder how Mom would hold up with the sort of insane make-up/break-up obsessive relationship of the type that existed between Lindsay and Samantha Ronson. One thing I do know is that she would be much better at it than me.
The next video is the clip that shows her mastery. She is able to talk to Sean Combs about the Chris Brown situation, letting him know she didn’t think it was too cool, and still retaining a friendship with Sean at the end.
Oprah would have called him out in a way that he knew he had incurred her displeasure. Ellen manages to bring up the tough stuff from a safe place and put him back in one by the time the interview is over.
I choose not to comment on Chris Brown and Rhianna, but if Mom wants to she can call the ball.
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