Best of Ellen: Lady Gaga

I have resisted Lady Gaga for as long as I could.  For months I would bark out: She’s so overrated!

This morning I had to give in and finally admit to myself that it was all just wishful snarking on my part.  When you wake up singing “Pokerface” you have to admit that you have a problem.  I <gulp> like Lady Gaga.

Damn you, Pokerface!!!!!!  Damn you!

This is her LIVE on Ellen.  Singing.  Dancing.  Playing piano.  Dammit, she really is talented.

I’ve Got You, Babe

So Mom and I were chatting about celebrity couples in the news and, of course, got to talking about Mark Sanford, his extra-marital affair, and his subsequent “return” to his wife.  I got home and began to google cheating.  At first I got the usual return, that it’s actually not about sex…you know, men cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do, women cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do–that sort of thing. Yeh, yeh, yeh, you say, spare the explanation on why those no-good prevaricators did what they did.  You’d still go Godfather II all over your husband if you caught him cheating.  I hear ya sister.

Here’s where the reading got interesting (Mom, you reading?)

Many of the therapists said that in order to make your marriage affair proof you must be pro-active, since cheating is not about cheating but loneliness.  Women, apparently need to hear: I need you.  I want you.  I can’t live without–woah!  I was getting all sparkly just hearing that! Dayum!  *fans herself*  I guess we do need to hear that!  Men, believe it or not, want to hear: Thank you so much!  You didn’t have to do that.  I appreciate your doing that for me. This psychologist that Dateline dredged up (his practice specializes in infidelity) swears that the majority of men complain that no one at home (aka “the wife”) ever thanks them for what they do do (heehee–sorry), but they will complain if they don’t do something.  *cringes guiltily*

So, according to this dude, men cheat because they want someone to appreciate them and not take what they do for granted.  Women cheat, predominantly, not for the sex, but for the verbal affirmations that come with any new romance.

I read on and was pleased to see what infidelity can be prevented simply by remembering to do the little things that you did when you were dating while you’re married.  Wow!  Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

So why don’t we?

Complacency?  Apathy?  Laziness?  Selfishness?  Yes.  Also, throw in a good measure of: if it aint broke, don’t fix it.

Mom’s book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, deals with this very topic.  Doing the little things, racking up the miles when times are good will prevent your relationship from taking a nosedive when times are bad.  Couples that spend time together, having fun together, supporting each other can weather storms like…oh…POLITICAL MUDSLINGING.

Check out this happy couple:

High school sweethearts, openly affectionate, a gazillion kids, eye contact, inside jokes–they’re like teenagers on a podium.  Whatever you think about Sarah Palin you have to admire her marriage.  It’s obviously strong.  Here is a man, content with being “First Dude of Alaska” instead of “Governor of Alaska”, father to like twelve kids or something and still openly admiring of his wife.  Her being a former beauty queen probably helps–oh, I kid!  I kid.  He’d love her if she weighed five hundred pounds and was toothless.  Right?

Let’s move on.

There’s another one.  The Obamas.  This couple rivals Tom and Katie for most over the top public displays of affection.  I remember when Tom was on the “O” show and doing his little couch jump.  I thought he was nuts, Mom thought he was smart.  Women, she says, like public displays of affection.

Looking at Michelle making the “O” face–Oh, stop it!  You were thinking it yourself!  Anyway, looking at Michelle’s look of delight I guess can agree.  What’s more titilating than having a powerful man think you’re the bees kness and share it openly to the world?

Looking at Mark Sanford and his poor wife that he must return to and “learn to love again” (Boo, frickin’ hoo) you might think to yourself: yeh, not happening.  But I’m an eternal optimist–or is that ‘internal’ cuz I clearly don’t always show it.  Ahem.  I’m an eternal optimist.  Couples can, I believe, recover from, yes, even Brazilian mistresses– if they have enough good times stored up in the bank, and a renewed conviction not just for fidelity, but happiness.  You can’t just go back and make it work.  You go back and make it worthwhile.

Take this couple, for example,

Infidelity.  Drug addiction.  Infidelity.  Drug addiction.  Cancer.  You name it, they’ve been through it.  Why are they together?  Why doesn’t Sharon want to kill Ozzy for dallying with groupies during the seventies or doing drugs in the…well, doing drugs?  Why didn’t Ozzy leave Sharon when she had sex with his guitar player?  In a nutshell.  Love.  They have this crazy, silly love filled with laughter and a real enjoyment of the other person.  They built up so many miles that nothing could take them down.

So, folks…keep it happy, keep it fun, say “thank you”, tell her you can’t live without her, and always, always remember to treat your sweetie like you would a hot brazilian mistress or Johnny Depp.

Allow me to leave you with another happy couple, singing one of my most favoritest songs ever!

Best of–er, Worst of Ellen: Pamela Anderson

Ellen has the strangest friends, it seems.  It is obvious to me that somewhere between this

and this:

is enough men and blow to read like Pablo Escobar’s prison dossier.

What I find alarming about her stint on Ellen–correction, what I find the most alarming about it is her almost lessaiz fair (btw, I soooo want to spell it: “lezzaiz faire”) attitude about marriage and relationships.    I know this will come out wrong, but I sincerely hope it’s the drugs and/or alcohol talking or else that is a pretty crappy attitude for a mother of two boys under fourteen to have to express publicly about marriage.  Sheesh, that comment about 36 days being the “midway” point through a marriage of hers made me ill.  We all know that there is no guarantee with any marriage and that a great portion do end in divorce, but there is still that notion of at least giving it the “old college try”.  It does not compute with me those less than three month marriages–especially in those weird cases like Drew Barrymore and Tom Green who dated for years and married for days.  What got these couples so rev’d up and raring to get hitched only to burn out in less than two months?  The drive for sex lasts more than two months.  It just does not compute.  Did they really in that short amount of time exhaust every avenue before calling it quits? I’m sad when you see the folks that put up a good fight before letting go, in the case of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, or Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon…neh…not so much.  And yet, I always route for her and Tommy Lee to get back together.  Why?  Because they have history; they have a story and that story can keep a couple together or bring them back together.

Mom’s book/approach of keeping Frequent Foreplay Miles isn’t, as she puts it, for relationships that are completely broken.  It is for those couples that want to correct their current flight pattern or enhance what was already good to begin with.  It isn’t for those who decide that marriage is not a committment or that “committment” is only a suggestion.  It is for people that have good times to build upon.  No judgments on Pam Anderson or the romantic comedy writers of America (Hello!  What Happens in Vegas), but Mom’s approach isn’t for people that have a three week dating period prior to becoming legally wed.  It is for people that have a story that they can build upon, a story that will help them weather the storms of life.