Best of Ellen: Lady Gaga

I have resisted Lady Gaga for as long as I could.  For months I would bark out: She’s so overrated!

This morning I had to give in and finally admit to myself that it was all just wishful snarking on my part.  When you wake up singing “Pokerface” you have to admit that you have a problem.  I <gulp> like Lady Gaga.

Damn you, Pokerface!!!!!!  Damn you!

This is her LIVE on Ellen.  Singing.  Dancing.  Playing piano.  Dammit, she really is talented.

He’s Just Not That Into You Because He’s A Jerk, Jennifer

So I found this little ditty (or is it “diddy”?) of Jennifer Anniston on Ellen when she was there to promote the “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie.  Check it out!

Let me speak to the pink elephant in the blog-room.  Angelina.  Isn’t she always the first image that pops to mind when people say: Jennifer Anniston?  Yup.  Thought so.

I have always been an Angelina Jolie fan through all of her incarnations.  Wild child.  Humanitarian.  Mom.  I always liked her. Still do.   The same is also true for Jennifer Anniston.  More than even a young Meg Ryan, Jennifer struck me as the girl next door.  She is uber cute and just so darn affable.  In the days of “Team Jolie” versus “Team Anniston” I could never really take a side.  In fact, I was more disappointed in Brad for handling things in such a way as to make both women look their worst; making Angie look the home-wrecking adulteress and Jennifer as “day old bread”.

If you watched the clip above you saw where it ended with Ellen teasing her about John Mayer, her then-boyfriend, and how happy and silly Jennifer looked.  I think they broke up like two weeks later.     With every relationship of Anniston’s that ends I feel a twinge of sadness.  When Mayer and Anniston broke up I just knew it had to be because he’s a jerk.  Cuz I’m judgmental like that.

Whenever I see Anniston on the cover of some celeb mag with “breakup” in the headline it makes me wish that I was one of her close girlfriends.  I would take her out for coffee, sit her down, place a hand upon her knee and tell her gently that she needs to find someone who understands just how lucky he is to be with her (IE, not a celebrity).  For once, Jennifer needs to be “just not that into him”.  I think when that happens we would all applaud with a hearty: You go, girl!  After numerous public endings you that leave her looking just a bit “desperate” I would love to see her come out looking like a femme fatale.  But that’s not the image Hollyweird seems to want for her.  The tabloids always paint her, whether it is true or not, as the “dumpee“.  So sad.  Doesn’t anyone get that she is “us”?  That we identify with her more than the Megan Foxes and Angelinas?  We need to see her in an R-E-S-P-E-C-T moment where she tells the Brads and John Mayers of this world that she deserves better.  But more than that, I think we all want a real happy ending for Jen, dammit.

He’s Just Not That Into You is still a chick flick and like all chick flicks it stops with the traditional happy ending (an engagement, the kiss, moving in, learning to stand on your own).  What these movies don’t know how to do is show a happy couple that isn’t the “plucky sidekick” to the single man/woman.  The happy couple is always the brother and sister-in-law to the protagonist.  They are madly in love with two to three small children and one snarky teenager, all of whom exist only as a plot device, doling out sentimental anecdotal advice to the lovelorn.  We never see their story.  Honestly, I don’t think Hollywood actually believes in marriage or commitment (the Newmans and the Hawn-Russell unions aside) and therefore doesn’t know how to write it.

Ooops!  I did it again.  I think going off on tangents has to be my super power.  I’m Tangential Woman!  Able to make long leaps of consciousness streams in a single bound.

Back to the Ellen Show…

I harken back to this over and over, but rather than put on another pre-dating guide what Ellen needs to do is to have on a post-acceptance test counselor that tells you what to do once you’ve begun dating that guy/girl with potential–or how to treat the one you love in such a way that they know it and feel it every day (or at least every other day).  Even Hollyweird couples can have long-lasting relationships if they remember how to keep up their foreplay mileage and make intimacy a daily deed.

Anyhoo, back to Jen.  If I could pick someone for her and it had to be a celebrity and not my co-worker I would pick John Stamos.  The man only gets better looking with age, seems genuine and friendly, and doesn’t have a history of ladykilling behind him.  He would be a good match for Jen.

One last tangent and then I’m off.  Jen’s 40 yr old abs could kick the crap out of any other female from 20 to 50 in a contest and if you notice she is slender without looking skeletal *cough, Angelina, cough*.

Steve Harvey Says To Think Like A Man

There are so many books out there advising women on how to think like men.  Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and He’s Just Not That Into You are among the most well recognized.  Comedian Steve Harvey has thrown his hat into the ring with Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.  Here he is on Ellen to explain how we women are to do just that…

Okay, so I am not denying that it is helpful to know upfront if he’s “just not that into you” and how we need to put a timer on the pre-engagement clock.  I get what the Bob Grants of the world are trying to tell us with “don’t send that email”.  And, by the way Bob, I didn’t.  I guess what I want is more of what Mom is doing.  I’m in a happy relationship and want to keep it that way.  I want to know how to make the one I have as happy and lasting as possible.  I want to figure out how to keep the sex alive with kids in the picture.  I want to figure out how to be attractive when I have a deadline at work and a costume to make for the school play and my nerve endings could substitute for nitroglycerine.

Don’t get me wrong.  I loved the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode of Sex in the City.  I applauded Berger for setting it straight.  It’s just…I’m not single and in search of the perfect guy.  I don’t need Steve Harvey or Greg Behrendt right now.  I also don’t need Dr Phil lecturing me.  I need something a little more fun and a little more practical to my life.

Even if Mom wasn’t my…well…mom, I would still recommend her approach.  We all keep score, so why not put the scorekeeping to our advantage.  Frequent Foreplay Miles has certainly helped my marriage.  We even take it a step further with a chart on the wall so that if my husband wants to remind me of something he’s done he can put it on the chart (just so I don’t forget).

Come on, Ellen!  Let the singles sit a spell and put someone on for those of us who are already married.

Going Into the Vault: Kate Winslet on Ellen

Oi, mates!  I was so down that I had to blog on something or someone near and dear to my heart in a way that is also related to Mom and/or Ellen.  I think I found the perfect someone!  So grab us a pint and check out me girl, Kate Winslet, on Ellen.

Kate describes to Ellen what it was like working on the film “Revolutionary Road” with her husband, Sam Mendes, and Leo DiCaprio (her avowed “best friend” and someone it was rumored she had an on-the-set romance with years prior).  Her husband had to direct his wife in love scenes with a younger man, a man considered by many to be quite the hearthrob, and yet their marriage did not seem to be jostled by it (at least on the surface).  Hearing her boast of her husband’s successes. defering to him publicly in ways that shows her pride in him and their marriage shows me that these two know how to rack up the Frequent Foreplay Miles.  Their close working relationship also shows that this is a couple that is able to be intimate on and off the set.

I have blogged a lot about Jon and Kate (strangely cannot find any proof of Ellen ever having them as guests) as proof of what not to do, how not to behave, so I figured I would bring the conversation back around to the positive and show couples that are “doing it”.

So to Kate and Sam…cheers!  *lifts pint and takes a swig*

I Do Not Love Twilight. No. Really. I Don’t.

It’s just that my hatred has driven me to obsession.  *heavy sigh before beginning the Mantra: I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom...*

Twilight makes me mad in the way that Romeo and Juliet made me mad, in the way that Jane Eyre made me mad, in the way that Wuthering Heights made me mad, and in the way that Jane Austen has never made me mad.  The characters that we are being told have this perfect love that we ought to admire, simply, do not.  Mr Knightly and Emma–true love.  Mr Darcy and Lizzy Bennet–true love.  Bella and Edward, meh, not so much.

Unlike the aforementioned classics that tick me off, it is not the brooding loner of this story that I despise.  No, no.  Edward gets a pass from me–and not just because he also played Cedric Diggory (I’m firmly on Team Rowland). Edward seems to be a stand up guy who attempts to do the right thing.  In fact, all of the menfolk in Twilight are admirable.  Hmm.  That’s interesting.  *shakes off the tangent she was about to embark on*  No, no.  It’s not Edward that bugs the bajeebers out of me.  It’s Bella.

Bella Swan is the world’s most inconsiderate individual who ever staked a claim on love.  Her mother is her “best friend” and she loves her.  Yet…she treats her like crap.  Her father is her “dear friend” and she loves him, but she deceives him and shows him the appreciation of a five year old.  She forbears her new girlfriends.  *heavy sigh*   Her lack of interest in their interests is all too apparent, and yet they bestow slavish devotion upon her–hey!  If there are any teenage girls that stumble upon this blog if you take away anything from reading my posts, take away the fact that someday you will need a good girlfriend.  Respect them.  Cultivate them.  Love and appreciate them.  Okay, back to my rant… Bella “loves” Edward but has so little respect for him or what he is going through that she puts his entire family (and hers) in danger just to be with him.  Don’t get me started on how she treated Jacob…

I think you get my point.  I am a Twilight “playah hater” because I need to like my protagonist and Steph (may I call you “Steph”) hasn’t given me one that I can like.  So where am I going with this and what is my angst all about?

Ellen.

Now, we rabid Ellen watchers know all about Ellen’s “Twilight” contest.  The world’s biggest Twilight fan wins a trip to be on Ellen.  Oh, the agony…the agony of knowing some Bella fan will sit by my Ellen!  *wipes tear*

By now you ought to know my obsession with Ellen DeGeneres.  I adore Ellen.  I would do anything to meet her.  I would do anything to get Mom on her show.  So what do I do?  I am not so much a fan of Twilight as an anti-fan.  Yet, I am have spent probably as much time and energy on that series as any girl wearing a “Sparkle” t-shirt.  Could I…should I make a run for it?

Oh!  Before I go…here’s the trailer for New Moon.  I won’t comment on how it looks because I only watched it twenty-three times already so who am I to judge.

Ellen and Infomercials: The Frequent Foreplay Calculator

As you know Ellen is a fan of infomercials.  I am gonna go out on a limb here and say we all are.  Have you ever woken up way before the alarm goes off and turned on the TV?  I’ll bet you were riveted by the lucious array of products that you could purchase in three easy payments that would change your ENTIRE LIFE.  Which one of us ladies hasn’t tried NADS (aka sticky-green-pain-in-a-jar) after seeing it on the telly?  What man didn’t dream at least once about owning the big mouthed singing bass even though he knew his wife wouldn’t let him have it?  Going bald?  Hair in a can!  Frizzy hair?  Try our two hundred dollar flat iron!  Fat thighs?  Dance to the oldies, baby!  And my personal favorite these days is: The Big City Slider Station!  Do you know it it’s only $19.95??  As soon as it gets here I’m giving away my Applebees gift card and making my own tiny sliders!  Now, if only they would show us where to find the tiny buns…

So if you’ve read my post “Get Mom on Ellen Idea 5004″ you know that I am toying with the idea of making an infomercial.  I began to roll through some of my favorite infomercials on YouTube to prep for this campaign when I noticed this:

I like how the video quality makes it appear as if he is in hiding from the CIA or something–I am picturing him in a cave somewhere outside Kandahar .  There is another video from him where he’s on a beach somewhere–Madagascar?  But the sound quality is less than desireable with that daggone noisy ocean in the background.  Between the two videos I get his point, that even if it looks crappy, an infomercial can still keep you entertained.

So be prepared for the Frequent Foreplay Calculator infomercial in your near future…

I Love Men Who Sparkle

I just saw a tshirt on a “tween” that said: I <3 Men Who Sparkle.   If’ I’d seen that shirt a year ago I would have thought she had just come from the Ice Capades or DuPont Circle, but now *heavy sigh* I know it just means that the person wearing it is a Twilight fan who is on “Team Edward”.  For those Ellen fans who don’t know about “Edward” much less “Twilight” I salute you.  I have not been able to avoid this knowledge so, please, forward me the name of the remote island you’ve been vacationing on for the past year because I want to go there.  If you’re curious about the Twilight phenomenon then I submit this to you:

Yeh.  I know.  The hair.  If you’re a mother you would be compelled to grab the kid and run him under a shower until its clean again.  However, I have been told that he’s back to looking like this again <insert gratutitous kissing scene for any Twilight Teen that has stumbled onto this page accidentally>

Now, I am not a Twilight fan.  Let’s get that straight right away.  When I say that I think the character of Bella Swan is the biggest “Mary Sue” in print literature it’s not hyperbole.  I really do.  I think the novel is poorly written, the characters scream “fanfiction”, blah blah blah I hate Twilight.  And yet….I’ve read the books (borrowed not bought) and have watched the movie several times already. In fact, I spent the whole movie griping to my husband about how terrible it is–to which he logically replied: Good! Then let’s stop watching it. Two hours later I am putting the DVD back in the case and griping about how the ending was total crap, and my husband agreed and then asked me why we had to buy the movie as opposed to rent it.  I feebly responded with: It was on sale?

*mind flashes to the scene of Robert Pattinson playing piano*

Dear Lord!  Do I love men who sparkle?

Get Mom On Ellen Idea No. 5004: Frequent Foreplay Miles Infomercial

Talking about the Frequent Foreplay Miles Calculator in my last post got me thinking (and you know how dangerous that can be!)  Ellen loves infomercials!

We could make an informercial and post it on Youtube!  Can you picture it?  Mom and I are behind a counter with stacks of Frequent Foreplay Miles in front of us.  To our left is a couple who has had some obvious issues in the past.  Let’s call them “John” and “Cait”.  *roll video*

John and Cait are having marital troubles.  Cait feels like John doesn’t have the same priorities for raising their ten children, and she feels unappreciated and overloaded with housework.  John feels like Cait belittles him and treats him like one of the kids.  Mom arrives at their house “unannounced” where she proceeds to hand copies of her book along with the FFM calculator as they smile gratefully.  *cut back to Mom and I*

Lisa: Well, Mom, that couple sure had their work cut out for them.

Mom: Lisa, they sure did!  When I arrived John was deep in FFM deficit with Kate and his Foreplay Navigator had been sizzled by an electrical storm over Castrationville.

Lisa (shakes head): That sounds terrible!  I really can’t see a way back from life as a eunuch.

Mom (smiles at the camera and winks):  That’s what you think.  John…Cait.  Why don’t you tell us how things are going?

Cait (beams brightly at her husband): Shela, within three weeks of using your system John’s IQ went up by fifty points and I started to notice a real change in how he did things around the house.  Instead of waiting on me to change his Depends he can now use the potty by himself.  He has started to acknowledge my contributions in little ways like shopping at Whole Foods for me instead of the local Minimart.  Also, the bonus “FFM Co-ed Shock Collar” you threw in has worked wonders in keeping him home on weekends.  Thanks so much, Shela.

John: Yes!  And I learned that preparing dinner in such a way as to enable us to eat on time is one way that Cait shows she loves us.  After reading your book, Cait allowed me to use some of our royalty money from Bravo to undergo testicle transplants and now I am a fully functioning male again.  Thanks, Shela!

Lisa (looks to her mother, surprised): Wow!  You really made a difference in their marriage, Mom.

Mom: The secret to a happy marriage is earning those Foreplay Miles, Lisa.  Well, that and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to Adam and Eve…

Get Mom on Ellen Idea No. 5003: Maybe Mom Can Drink A Little Too!

Does anyone remember Gladys?  You know Gladys–the “I love Jesus but I drink a little” Gladys?  Yeh.  That one.

Again, this is why I love Ellen.  She can have fun with people without making fun of people.  Hey!  Maybe I can get Mom drunk and make her call into The Ellen Show?  Help me out, people!  What’s my next step?

Ellen Knows The Secret, Too!

As you all know I have been trying out this “vision board” thing lately as part of my “Get Mom On Ellen” campaign.  I looked into Miracle Maps and the kit offered by John Assaraf.  Both of their websites intrigued me so much I went on a Googlespree.  Eventually I ended up at Christine Kane’s website where I found advice on building my own.  Oh!  Before I forget…I am being offered a free Miracle Map (thanks Patrice), so I wanted to give a shout out!  Go Miracle Maps!  Check out her link to the right, please.  If you are looking for success or a soul mate she’s got the kits for you.  Back to my vision quest…

In the process of figuring out my “vision” I started doing research on both John Assaraf and Patrice Calcagno.  I will admit to being a “The Secret” scoffer.  I chalked it up to the whole “Da Vinci Code” hysteria when it was offered to me as “Leonardo Da Vinci’s Secret” by a friend.  “No thanks,” was my reply.  “I’d rather find out life’s secrets for myself.”

So you can imagine my own chagrin when I began googling The Secret after some positive tweeting from John Assaraf (@johnassaraf) and it turns out that, yes, my Ellen is a “Secret” fan.  Check out John on Ellen…

*sigh* I guess it is time that I get a little New-Age-y (or is it “Old Age-y”??) in here and really make an attempt at this Law of Attraction thingy.  I will now make my demand of the Universe: May my children live to a ripe old age and graduate suma cum laude from Ivy League schools, may my husband have the sudden urge to dress like he’s British, may my boss bonus me, and may Mom be a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show.

There!  Let the attraction begin!