Frequent Flyer Miles

So it seems Jon Gosselin is getting some mileage in–and not in the good way.  Apparently, he and his new 22 YEAR OLD COKEHEAD, er, former cokehead were traveling the globe with tacky designer, Christian Audigier with the hopes of making tacky clothing for children and using his kids as the “models”.  

Now, I realize that Kate was an uber-shrew (maybe something about the name “Kate”?) but did she deserve to be publicly replaced so quickly?  Ten years of marriage, eight kids… and this is all the respect he could show her?

I’m sorry, but…I don’t care WHAT the other person did or didn’t do to cause a ten year relationship to crumble.  For the sake of what you had once, out of respect for that…you don’t go prancing around with your new chippie when the whole world is watching–including your kids.  They only just filed for divorce a few weeks ago and he’s already taking up with someone else?  Yeh.  Stay classy, Jon Gosselin.

I can’t believe I’m about to post this, but: I feel bad for Kate Gosselin.

Kate, I am feelin’ ya.  No hard feelings?  Here, as a sign of my sincerity.  This one’s for you, girl. 

Alanis, sing it!

Jon Minus Nine

Well, I guess we all knew it was coming.  *sadly takes down the Jon Plus Kate vision board from the wall*

I’m just gonna say it.  Kate Gosselin is nuts.

Maybe that five million looks good right now but she’s got a million dollar mortgage, agents to pay, lawyers to pay, bodyguards to pay, and an income that is only going to decrease now that the “happy family” schtick is gone.  She alienated herself from her parents and siblings, she is divorcing the one person who shares equal love for her children and would gladly help care for their needs, and for what exactly?

Does she think that she is personable enough to be a talk show host?  Doubtful.  Will people be willing to shell out money on books about raising up a happy family or organic cooking now that everyone under the sun knows there are nannies, caterers, and bodyguards all assisting the Gosselins?  Doubtful.  Does she believe that people will want to watch a show about how she is going it alone when there is the Octomom out there with eight plus six?  Especially when the Octomom chose to make herself into a busted Angelina Jolie and has two outspoken (and funny as heck) parents there to make her life miserable for the home audience in much the same way that Kate made Jon’s.

Since this is a Get Mom on Ellen blog I suppose I should pull up a video of Ellen and Portia showing the world how a healthy relationship looks–and they do look happy, but they’ve also only been married a few years.  I am now going to submit to you another reality show couple who proved that there is no reality show relationship curse, a couple that really knows and appreciates the art of clocking Frequent Foreplay Miles: Ozzy and Sharon!

Drug addiction.  Infidelity.  Weight gain.  Weight loss.  Alcoholism.  Drug addiction, part deux.  Cancer.  And yet…they’re still together, still in love, and still racking up those Frequent Foreplay Miles.  There is always a path to happiness together if you choose it, and they chose it.  In fact, they are happier than ever.

How did they do it?  They did it by putting enough points in the bank that when they had to take some out there was still plenty on reserve.  They did it by treating each other well.  They did it by laughing.  They did it by become their own team and saying: screw you world!  Allow me to paraphrase Mr Sinatra…they did it their way.

So…Ozzy and Sharon, Ellen and Portia…and to all the other couples out there who make it work in good times and bad, have a glass of the good stuff and salute yourself.

Cheers!

Get Mom On Ellen Idea No. 5004: Frequent Foreplay Miles Infomercial

Talking about the Frequent Foreplay Miles Calculator in my last post got me thinking (and you know how dangerous that can be!)  Ellen loves infomercials!

We could make an informercial and post it on Youtube!  Can you picture it?  Mom and I are behind a counter with stacks of Frequent Foreplay Miles in front of us.  To our left is a couple who has had some obvious issues in the past.  Let’s call them “John” and “Cait”.  *roll video*

John and Cait are having marital troubles.  Cait feels like John doesn’t have the same priorities for raising their ten children, and she feels unappreciated and overloaded with housework.  John feels like Cait belittles him and treats him like one of the kids.  Mom arrives at their house “unannounced” where she proceeds to hand copies of her book along with the FFM calculator as they smile gratefully.  *cut back to Mom and I*

Lisa: Well, Mom, that couple sure had their work cut out for them.

Mom: Lisa, they sure did!  When I arrived John was deep in FFM deficit with Kate and his Foreplay Navigator had been sizzled by an electrical storm over Castrationville.

Lisa (shakes head): That sounds terrible!  I really can’t see a way back from life as a eunuch.

Mom (smiles at the camera and winks):  That’s what you think.  John…Cait.  Why don’t you tell us how things are going?

Cait (beams brightly at her husband): Shela, within three weeks of using your system John’s IQ went up by fifty points and I started to notice a real change in how he did things around the house.  Instead of waiting on me to change his Depends he can now use the potty by himself.  He has started to acknowledge my contributions in little ways like shopping at Whole Foods for me instead of the local Minimart.  Also, the bonus “FFM Co-ed Shock Collar” you threw in has worked wonders in keeping him home on weekends.  Thanks so much, Shela.

John: Yes!  And I learned that preparing dinner in such a way as to enable us to eat on time is one way that Cait shows she loves us.  After reading your book, Cait allowed me to use some of our royalty money from Bravo to undergo testicle transplants and now I am a fully functioning male again.  Thanks, Shela!

Lisa (looks to her mother, surprised): Wow!  You really made a difference in their marriage, Mom.

Mom: The secret to a happy marriage is earning those Foreplay Miles, Lisa.  Well, that and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to Adam and Eve…

How Can You Earn Points From Miles Away, Jon and Kate?

Those TMZ guys managed to catch Jon and Kate as they were “vacationing separately” [Photo courtesy of TMZ]

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have yet to meet a couple who stayed together once they pulled the old “time apart” routine.  Yeh, yeh your girlfriend was telling you just the other day about that couple she knew that took a breather and then turned around and got married, had kids, took a second honeymoon, blah blah blah.  I heard about it, too–on the Urban Legend Lexicon under “Relationship Myths”!  Har har.  I kid, I kid.

My point is that it is a rare thing to get back together once you’ve let yourself have too much time apart.  The fact that Jon is swigging beer and chillin’ with coeds doesn’t bode well for the “getting back together” option.  The young chippie Jon hung out with the last time probably seemed like calorie free dark truffle cheesecake after Kate.  When you have no responsibility you take life just a little bit easier.  You don’t have the worry that comes with getting eight kids up and ready for school, or the fear of having eight kids during flu season.  *shudders*

Now, you all know by now how I feel about Kate and that attitude of hers, but at the same time, as a mom, I know that it is hard to be as flirty as I used to be in the pre-kid era of my life.  We still go out on dates, and I still find my husband to be the hubba hubba hotness he always was, but I will be honest enough to admit that things have changed.  I used to go out with a rather cavalier attitude about when I would be arriving back at the old nest.  Now, my eyes are on my watch at least once a half hour.  Even if Kate weren’t able to turn men to stone with one glare it would still be difficult for her to compete with someone who doesn’t have one eighth of her worries.

Then again, Jon’s not the only one stepping out.  Of course, Kate’s is for work *makes quotation mark gesture with fingers*.  In all fairness to Jon–HECK!  In all fairness to the Gosselin kids the second their marriage started to suffer Kate should have cancelled or postponed the book tour to see to her marriage.  That’s how you earn points, baby!  It would have shown the whole family–I love you more than I love our 8,000 sqft house.  On that note…

Kate, let’s talk.  You keep saying that “it’s all for the kids”.  The kids aren’t the ones utilizing the personal trainer, okay?  Just admit that it’s not just for the kids.  A little honesty especially with the self goes a long way.  I digress…

I honestly don’t believe there is any marriage so broken that it can’t be repaired, so I am still gonna keep these two in my thoughts and “vision”.  I agree with Mom and hopes that Ellen steps in (before Oprah or Dr Phil) and offers them a chance to repair what was broken.  No offense to the Great and Powerful O, but they need a little more humor and a little less financial help.  They need to see some healthy relationships that can survive a tempest.  They need…

A Pocket Frequent Foreplay Miles Accumulation Calculator!

Heh.  Heh.  Sorry…it just sounded like an infomercial there for a second.  Not sure if Mom has even made one of those yet. If she hasn’t yet, she should.  Picture it: Kate is about to verbally nail to the cross of negligence when he whips out the calculator and reminds her that he still has miles left in his bank.  Chagrined, she slinks away and lives to bitch another day…

Forgive me.  I had one too many espresso shots in my cappucino.

Jon and Kate, Take a Lesson from Ellen and Portia

First off, thanks Mom for taking time away from the CD to post.  Hi Mom! **waves**

As you all may have guessed, I am a HUGE Ellen Degeneres fan.  It started years ago when I saw her stand up routines.  She and Jerry Seinfeld have always been favorites of mine because they are side-splitting funny without the profanity and filth that most comedianes think they need to use in order to be “cutting edge” and entertaining.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved Bill Hicks, but Ellen had me at the “moosehead” routine.

I am one of those people that love the Ellen and Portia at home clips because it shows me that this is a couple that knows how to have fun, that it is okay to play, and that life is best when taken less seriously.  You get the feeling that this is exactly how they are when the cameras aren’t rolling.  Check out the clip below.

This is playful without being hurtful.  Compare it to this (and forgive the poor quality):

Now, if you’ve been reading the blogs you have noticed discussion on the problems that occur when the Foreplay Navigator is broken or offset.  Kate obviously enjoys slapping Jon and finds it “playful”.  Jon obviously does not appreciate it and is too mild-mannered to say anything.  This begs the question: is it still playful when only one party is having fun?

My answer: no.

So kids, try having fun the Ellen and Portia way.  You can still “compete”, you can still “rough house” just try to do it with  a spirit of “joy” instead of a spirit of “besting the other person”.  As for Jon and Kate, perhaps these videos will be a godsend to them, perhaps by seeing it on video they will be forced to confront themselves in an honest way.

I will try not to get sidetracked with my next posts.  I think my Mission Navigator went a little awry.  Next stop: Phase Two of Get Mom On Ellen!

Jon and Kate: Is It Too Late? My Mom Can Set Them Straight!

I’m a poet and I didn’t know it…

Sorry for the cheese, I just can’t help myself. I’m like that rhyming giant from The Princess Bride (yes, yes, I’m a mess).  Besides, they started it with the catchy: Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Before I move onto the blogging part, let me show you a video of Jon and Kate that pretty much sums up how they got to where they are now.

Lovely, yeh?

When last I blogged I said that I was going to see what insight Mom could provide.  I shot some of the vids over to Mom and the response was close to immediate: “Their Foreplay Navigators are waaaaaaaay out of sync.”

I know I’ve talked about Mom’s book Frequent Foreplay Miles just not in detail.  The essence is that foreplay is all day, every day, 24/7. The smart sweetheart racks up Frequent Foreplay Miles as a goodwill buffer for those times when we inadvertently screw up. If you do something good, that’s racking up miles towards a free trip (IE, sex, laughs, happiness).  Do something bad and, well, you get the pictures. You’re thinking its overly simplistic and there has to be a catch.  Ding.  Ding.  Ding!

The catch is that each of us has what Mom calls a Foreplay Navigator that helps us navigate our relationship.  Problem is, our Foreplay Navigator is different in about a zillion ways from that of our beloved. It’s kind of like playing a game with a different set of rules. You’re playing by one set, your sweetie’s playing by another.  That’s why even the happiest of couples butt head, step on each others’ toes, and get their wires crossed.  I am going to quote from Mom’s book for a bit so you can get the gist of what she means…

Step on Toes: You are bound to screw up if you don’t know that according to your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator it’s an act of treason to dog-ear the pages of a book or to jump on the punch line of your partner’s joke, or that having coffee with an ex who blew into town is tantamount to cheating, or that using the pet name “Snookie” in front of friends is a violation of privacy, or that it’s insufficient to acknowledge a special occasion with a card unaccompanied by a gift. It’s tough to know all the ways that you can inadvertently mess up, all to your sweetheart’s irritation or hurt feelings. Yet violations of such unexpressed rules have doomed more relationships than blatant infidelity. Most of us know that sleeping around won’t be tolerated, but most of us don’t know—until we learn the hard way!—that for our sweetie, not calling every night we’re on the road without them, or leaving toast crumbs on the kitchen counter or dirty dishes in the sink, or scheduling anything during football season without several weeks’ notice, is almost as bad. Worse yet, the cumulative effect of many such instances can get us in serious trouble without our ever knowing what we’ve done to make our lover angry. It’s like stepping on a toe that’s already sore and swollen: the least little pressure results in a yell of pain.
Cross Wires: Most couples talk about and are able to resolve (or learn to live with) the big stuff. It’s the little stuff, the “Dumb Stuff,” the stuff partners suffer in silence that is so insidiously dangerous to a relationship because that’s the stuff to which we so often give a negative (but usually wrong) spin. You say, “The rice is salty,” and she hears, “You’re a terrible cook.” You leave a half-empty Starbucks cup in the car and he thinks, “She doesn’t appreciate how hard I work to provide nice things.” You fail to notice a new hairdo and she concludes you’re no longer paying attention. You paint the bathroom and he points out the one missed spot, “proving” he thinks you’re incompetent. Such instances occur with relentless regularity in every type of relationship, but especially in a love relationship where feelings are most tender. Because most partners believe (1) they should pick their battles, or (2) it is better for the relationship to avoid the conflict, or (3) to complain will seem petty, like nagging, or bitchy, we suffer the Dumb Stuff in silence. However, it is exactly this same stuff that leads to grudges and long-term resentment based on nothing more than differing Foreplay Navigators.

Those are just two examples of the types of ways that we end up going off kilter.  The trick (and the blessing) is that once we take notice, we can fix it.

Jon and Kate both seem like intelligent people.  They just put themselves into a situation where they were too busy to stop, think, and appreciate what they did have, versus what they didn’t have.

For Jon to rack up FFMs (Frequent Foreplay Miles) with Kate he has to respond to her needs.  Kate wants “order” and “help”.  For Kate to rack up FFMs with Jon she has to meet his needs.  Jon wants to be treated like an adult and he wants to be allowed to make decisions about the kids that are not “overridden” by Kate.

A good counselor (like Mom) would point out that Jon needs to contribute in tiny ways to the organizational structure (since he is not a born organizer like Kate) if he wants to make her happy and that Kate needs to realize that he is helping in his own way and talk to him like an adult, not one of the children.  Eight children, especially when it is two sets of multiples, can take their toll on anyone.  Both parties were at fault for getting lost in the kids, in the show, etc and neglecting each other.  It took two to break it, it will take two to fix it.

Personally, I think TLC needs to pay for in-home therapy as they have had a great deal to do with this breakdown.  If they break up, that is eight kids in a single parent household.  Earth to THE LEARNING CHANNEL!!  What have we “learned” from this?  We already knew that fame, money, and family don’t mix.  That’s nothing new.  How about putting your motto where your pocketbook is and pay for some counseling.

OR (hint, hint) maybe Ellen could put them on the show with Mom!  Mom could set those crazy kids straight!

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

I called my mother tonight to talk to her about this whole drama with the Gosselins.  By now all of America is pretty much aware of the train wreck that is TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8. If you’re squinting and scratching your head right now then you’ve obviously spent the last few weeks in an underground bunker or out of the country because one trip down the check out aisle at the grocery store and you’d know exactly who the Gosselins are.  “It’s Hell“…”Everything’s Falling Apart“…”Mom to Monster“…”Who Cheated First?“  And the list goes on.

Yeh, yeh, I hear ya.  No surprise here either.  I think we can all agree from watching their “sofa sessions” that some kind of thermonuclear meltdown was going to occur, the details, however, were up in the air.  Some of us were perhaps fascinated by this in the way that we glue our eye to disaster stories on the news. Watching Kate castrate Jon on a weekly basis was probably what kept half of the audience tuned in, wondering: is this the week that Jon’s body regenerates a pair and he tells that flaming yenta off?  I think everyone who has ever watched even a single episode of the show must admit to being overly intrigued by the…er, um, relationship dynamic. It’s a cautionary tale, isn’t it?  How one partner can thoroughly–how do the kids say it today?  own (or is that”pawn”?) another person in such a way that the person is driven completely, totally into submission.

Check this out…

Being a female, being a mom of two I tend to side with Team Mom when it comes to the “who does more?” question.  Hey!  I’m being honest here.  Not saying that’s right, I’m just saying I do.  I’m one of those root for the home team gals. Seriously though, after doing an “unofficial study” among my peer group, aka girlfriends, I have come to the conclusion that child management is an art form that very few men master. Hold up.  Hold up.  I’m not saying men aren’t good parents.  They are.  They’re wonderful.  Managers they are not.

My husband is a complete doll, but he and I share different “values” when it comes to child rearing.  For example, I like the girls to leave the house wearing an outfit that is a) clean, b) season appropriate, and c) matches.  I don’t expect that everyone has an internal “garanimal” that helps guide wardrobe selection. However, one would hope that the average individual can look at a tomato red top and see that it clearly clashes with a pink and lime tartan skirt.  I mean, is that really too much to expect from a man?  My husband’s flowchart consists of only two questions: has it been worn more than once, and if so, does it smell?  If the answer to the latter question is equal to “no” the kids wear it.

Now, I would be lying if I said that the sight of the three of them returning from Home Depot looking like they were dressed by Ringling Brothers didn’t elicit a heavy sigh from these lips.  In fact, I think I may have even had to count to ten.  One one thousand…two one thousand…Oh God!  He let them wear crocs with tube socks!  One one thousand…two one thousand… However, I would never (or I hope to God I would never) humiliate my husband in a public forum over a pair of rubber shoes, even if those shoes were paired with gym socks.  Not when that same husband is the man that when I am having my monthly meltdown puts my two gifts from God in the car and drives them to Cold Stone Creamery so I can detox in absolute silence.

Maybe my husband doesn’t do things the way I would do them.  Maybe he doesn’t agree with me on every last item on my “What’s Important” list.  But that’s okay.  He gets credit for what he does do, and that’s a lot.

As I watch Jon and Kate unravel beneath the TLC provided luxury and the product placement benies that certainly made that type of invasion of privacy lucrative, I have the privilege of seeing what they do not.  I see both sides.

I see all that Kate does.  No one could remain a bastion of cheer and civility while having to feed, dress, and care for eight children under the age of seven.  I don’t think a single one of us expect her to always be the epitome of gentility in her situation.  However, at times, the Christ complex she’s hung upon herself is a bit much to bear.  Does she not see that while she’s providing structure he’s providing warmth?  That while she’s seeing to their physical needs, he’s seeing to the emotional ones?  She is not the only parent parenting. Here is where Mom’s theory on racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles becomes useful.  Jon and Kate could really use a visual system of tallying their “scores”, of measuring progress in a way that strengthens their marriage instead of tearing it down.

Did Kate’s non-stop bullying lead to Jon’s straying?  I would say that it was a major contributor.  I’m not excusing cheating, I’m explaining a reason for it.  Very few people could deal with non-stop belittlement without wondering if there was something better out there.  Was Kate’s bullying the only reason?  Probably not.  Doing my best armchair quarterbacking I’d say that Jon got married too young, had kids too young, had too many kids (at the request of his wife), and married an older woman with a  dominant personality.  All of that coupled with booze, bimbos and human weakness and you had a recipe for marital disaster.

Whatever the reason or reasons, this is one of those instances where I gotta go with the Catholics and say divorce needs to be taken off the table.  Come on, folks.  What one person can raise eight kids alone without either the children suffering from neglect or a complete and total mental breakdown for the primary caregiver?   Let’s look at other large families for a model.  Mike and Carol Brady?  Clifford and Claire Huxtable.  Heck, even Mrs Patridge had that “uncle” who helped out.

I remember them on Dr Phil.  I think it was Kate who told Phil that her biggest fear is that the kids would suffer from lack of individual attention.  Taking care of their physical needs, she said, was the easy part.  She had no time during the day to care for the physical and emotional needs.  It was true then.  It is still true now.  In my opinion this is a marriage that needs savin’ whether they like it or not!

So what ought they to do–besides clear the slate?

I put this question to Mom.  Hopefully within a few days I’ll have either a link to her site or have her give me something to cut and paste.  Til then au revoir!