Holy Cowboys Are Gonna Have A Season, Batman!
This has absolutely nothing to do with Ellen, is only loosely connected to Mom, but word on the street is…
TONY ROMO DUMPED JESSICA SIMPSON!
Image courtesy of Flynet.
I almost cannot believe it. No, that’s a lie. I can believe it. I never thought they’d make it to The Show. She seems a bit…how shall we say…clingy?
Hold on a minute…hold on…there IS a link to Frequent Foreplay Miles! Public displays of affection. Mom is a firm believer in public displays of affection as a means of banking mileage. I agree. I think that when the more “celebrated” partner (Tony Romo, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Ellen DeGeneres) makes a huge deal about how great the other partner is, blah blah blah…that is completely adorable.
On the flip side when you non-stop brag about how your boyfriend is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and namedrop your significant other at every chili cook-off you’re invited to, that can be a tad bit annoying. Jess, take my advice. Find someone that needs YOU. Be the bees kness.
Back to PDA’s… Where is the balance? How much PDA is too much? Where does the border of Cutesburg end and Stalkerville begin?
Mom’s been at a Smart Marriage conference and too busy to follow the old blog, but maybe some day this week she’ll have a chance to weigh in. What is the tipping point of PDA in a relationship?
I’ve Got You, Babe
So Mom and I were chatting about celebrity couples in the news and, of course, got to talking about Mark Sanford, his extra-marital affair, and his subsequent “return” to his wife. I got home and began to google cheating. At first I got the usual return, that it’s actually not about sex…you know, men cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do, women cheat because they feel unappreciated for what they do–that sort of thing. Yeh, yeh, yeh, you say, spare the explanation on why those no-good prevaricators did what they did. You’d still go Godfather II all over your husband if you caught him cheating. I hear ya sister.
Here’s where the reading got interesting (Mom, you reading?)
Many of the therapists said that in order to make your marriage affair proof you must be pro-active, since cheating is not about cheating but loneliness. Women, apparently need to hear: I need you. I want you. I can’t live without–woah! I was getting all sparkly just hearing that! Dayum! *fans herself* I guess we do need to hear that! Men, believe it or not, want to hear: Thank you so much! You didn’t have to do that. I appreciate your doing that for me. This psychologist that Dateline dredged up (his practice specializes in infidelity) swears that the majority of men complain that no one at home (aka “the wife”) ever thanks them for what they do do (heehee–sorry), but they will complain if they don’t do something. *cringes guiltily*
So, according to this dude, men cheat because they want someone to appreciate them and not take what they do for granted. Women cheat, predominantly, not for the sex, but for the verbal affirmations that come with any new romance.
I read on and was pleased to see what infidelity can be prevented simply by remembering to do the little things that you did when you were dating while you’re married. Wow! Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?
So why don’t we?
Complacency? Apathy? Laziness? Selfishness? Yes. Also, throw in a good measure of: if it aint broke, don’t fix it.
Mom’s book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, deals with this very topic. Doing the little things, racking up the miles when times are good will prevent your relationship from taking a nosedive when times are bad. Couples that spend time together, having fun together, supporting each other can weather storms like…oh…POLITICAL MUDSLINGING.
Check out this happy couple:
High school sweethearts, openly affectionate, a gazillion kids, eye contact, inside jokes–they’re like teenagers on a podium. Whatever you think about Sarah Palin you have to admire her marriage. It’s obviously strong. Here is a man, content with being “First Dude of Alaska” instead of “Governor of Alaska”, father to like twelve kids or something and still openly admiring of his wife. Her being a former beauty queen probably helps–oh, I kid! I kid. He’d love her if she weighed five hundred pounds and was toothless. Right?
Let’s move on.
There’s another one. The Obamas. This couple rivals Tom and Katie for most over the top public displays of affection. I remember when Tom was on the “O” show and doing his little couch jump. I thought he was nuts, Mom thought he was smart. Women, she says, like public displays of affection.
Looking at Michelle making the “O” face–Oh, stop it! You were thinking it yourself! Anyway, looking at Michelle’s look of delight I guess can agree. What’s more titilating than having a powerful man think you’re the bees kness and share it openly to the world?
Looking at Mark Sanford and his poor wife that he must return to and “learn to love again” (Boo, frickin’ hoo) you might think to yourself: yeh, not happening. But I’m an eternal optimist–or is that ‘internal’ cuz I clearly don’t always show it. Ahem. I’m an eternal optimist. Couples can, I believe, recover from, yes, even Brazilian mistresses– if they have enough good times stored up in the bank, and a renewed conviction not just for fidelity, but happiness. You can’t just go back and make it work. You go back and make it worthwhile.
Take this couple, for example,
Infidelity. Drug addiction. Infidelity. Drug addiction. Cancer. You name it, they’ve been through it. Why are they together? Why doesn’t Sharon want to kill Ozzy for dallying with groupies during the seventies or doing drugs in the…well, doing drugs? Why didn’t Ozzy leave Sharon when she had sex with his guitar player? In a nutshell. Love. They have this crazy, silly love filled with laughter and a real enjoyment of the other person. They built up so many miles that nothing could take them down.
So, folks…keep it happy, keep it fun, say “thank you”, tell her you can’t live without her, and always, always remember to treat your sweetie like you would a hot brazilian mistress or Johnny Depp.
Allow me to leave you with another happy couple, singing one of my most favoritest songs ever!
Get Mom On Ellen: The Game
So for the folks that are still hanging in with me after my Jon and Kate hiatus…
I came up with a game proposal for Ellen’s contest and submitted it online. Yay me!
My idea is to have a group of couples competing for Frequent Flyer Miles and a Romantic Getaway (sorry, I had to use initial caps on ya) by racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Each couple would earn points for creativity (midnight picnic or public displays of affection) and the audience would help the couples “keep score”. The couple with the most points would win the trip, obviously, but each couple would “win” because they would actually be building points with their partner that would be life-long.
What I think would be super nifty would be if a year later Ellen brought them all back to see which couples were still earning points.
Here’s my proposal and tell me what ya think:
Couples compete for romantic get-away (provided by airline to promote frequent flier program). Applicants submit video explaining why their relationship needs more romance & they should win. Producers narrow to 10 couples. By vote, viewers narrow to 3 that compete for 4-5 weeks. (Game based on Frequent Foreplay Miles, trademarked program from relationship coach Shela Dean, which combines our natural tendency to keep score with the idea that emotional foreplay is 24/7. Frequent Foreplay Miles are awarded for things that are good, kind, funny, supportive, etc., and deducted for things that aren’t! The higher the FFM balance, the happier the couple.) Week 1, 3 finalist couples appear on Ellen, win FFM by answering “do you know your partner” questions a la the Newlywed Game to establish beginning FFM balance. Weeks 2 on, finalists appear via Skype to explain how that week they earned FFM. Depending on producer preference, FFM awarded by judge panel (including Shela), audience, or viewer vote based on creativity, etc. Couple with highest FFM balance wins. Rules re spending limits for gifts, etc., keep playing field level. Shela will donate copies of her book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (out this fall) for audience and appear on show week winner announced. Shela could do off-camera webinar on FFM program for finalists before competition begins with bytes for on-air. Game will show all viewers how to have happier relationships. See www.ShelaDean.com.
Best of–er, Worst of Ellen: Pamela Anderson
Ellen has the strangest friends, it seems. It is obvious to me that somewhere between this
and this:
is enough men and blow to read like Pablo Escobar’s prison dossier.
What I find alarming about her stint on Ellen–correction, what I find the most alarming about it is her almost lessaiz fair (btw, I soooo want to spell it: “lezzaiz faire”) attitude about marriage and relationships. I know this will come out wrong, but I sincerely hope it’s the drugs and/or alcohol talking or else that is a pretty crappy attitude for a mother of two boys under fourteen to have to express publicly about marriage. Sheesh, that comment about 36 days being the “midway” point through a marriage of hers made me ill. We all know that there is no guarantee with any marriage and that a great portion do end in divorce, but there is still that notion of at least giving it the “old college try”. It does not compute with me those less than three month marriages–especially in those weird cases like Drew Barrymore and Tom Green who dated for years and married for days. What got these couples so rev’d up and raring to get hitched only to burn out in less than two months? The drive for sex lasts more than two months. It just does not compute. Did they really in that short amount of time exhaust every avenue before calling it quits? I’m sad when you see the folks that put up a good fight before letting go, in the case of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, or Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon…neh…not so much. And yet, I always route for her and Tommy Lee to get back together. Why? Because they have history; they have a story and that story can keep a couple together or bring them back together.
Mom’s book/approach of keeping Frequent Foreplay Miles isn’t, as she puts it, for relationships that are completely broken. It is for those couples that want to correct their current flight pattern or enhance what was already good to begin with. It isn’t for those who decide that marriage is not a committment or that “committment” is only a suggestion. It is for people that have good times to build upon. No judgments on Pam Anderson or the romantic comedy writers of America (Hello! What Happens in Vegas), but Mom’s approach isn’t for people that have a three week dating period prior to becoming legally wed. It is for people that have a story that they can build upon, a story that will help them weather the storms of life.
He’s Just Not That Into You Because He’s A Jerk, Jennifer
So I found this little ditty (or is it “diddy”?) of Jennifer Anniston on Ellen when she was there to promote the “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie. Check it out!
Let me speak to the pink elephant in the blog-room. Angelina. Isn’t she always the first image that pops to mind when people say: Jennifer Anniston? Yup. Thought so.
I have always been an Angelina Jolie fan through all of her incarnations. Wild child. Humanitarian. Mom. I always liked her. Still do. The same is also true for Jennifer Anniston. More than even a young Meg Ryan, Jennifer struck me as the girl next door. She is uber cute and just so darn affable. In the days of “Team Jolie” versus “Team Anniston” I could never really take a side. In fact, I was more disappointed in Brad for handling things in such a way as to make both women look their worst; making Angie look the home-wrecking adulteress and Jennifer as “day old bread”.
If you watched the clip above you saw where it ended with Ellen teasing her about John Mayer, her then-boyfriend, and how happy and silly Jennifer looked. I think they broke up like two weeks later. 
With every relationship of Anniston’s that ends I feel a twinge of sadness. When Mayer and Anniston broke up I just knew it had to be because he’s a jerk. Cuz I’m judgmental like that.
Whenever I see Anniston on the cover of some celeb mag with “breakup” in the headline it makes me wish that I was one of her close girlfriends. I would take her out for coffee, sit her down, place a hand upon her knee and tell her gently that she needs to find someone who understands just how lucky he is to be with her (IE, not a celebrity). For once, Jennifer needs to be “just not that into him”. I think when that happens we would all applaud with a hearty: You go, girl! After numerous public endings you that leave her looking just a bit “desperate” I would love to see her come out looking like a femme fatale. But that’s not the image Hollyweird seems to want for her. The tabloids always paint her, whether it is true or not, as the “dumpee“. So sad. Doesn’t anyone get that she is “us”? That we identify with her more than the Megan Foxes and Angelinas? We need to see her in an R-E-S-P-E-C-T moment where she tells the Brads and John Mayers of this world that she deserves better. But more than that, I think we all want a real happy ending for Jen, dammit.
He’s Just Not That Into You is still a chick flick and like all chick flicks it stops with the traditional happy ending (an engagement, the kiss, moving in, learning to stand on your own). What these movies don’t know how to do is show a happy couple that isn’t the “plucky sidekick” to the single man/woman. The happy couple is always the brother and sister-in-law to the protagonist. They are madly in love with two to three small children and one snarky teenager, all of whom exist only as a plot device, doling out sentimental anecdotal advice to the lovelorn. We never see their story. Honestly, I don’t think Hollywood actually believes in marriage or commitment (the Newmans and the Hawn-Russell unions aside) and therefore doesn’t know how to write it.
Ooops! I did it again. I think going off on tangents has to be my super power. I’m Tangential Woman! Able to make long leaps of consciousness streams in a single bound.
Back to the Ellen Show…
I harken back to this over and over, but rather than put on another pre-dating guide what Ellen needs to do is to have on a post-acceptance test counselor that tells you what to do once you’ve begun dating that guy/girl with potential–or how to treat the one you love in such a way that they know it and feel it every day (or at least every other day). Even Hollyweird couples can have long-lasting relationships if they remember how to keep up their foreplay mileage and make intimacy a daily deed.
Anyhoo, back to Jen. If I could pick someone for her and it had to be a celebrity and not my co-worker I would pick John Stamos. The man only gets better looking with age, seems genuine and friendly, and doesn’t have a history of ladykilling behind him. He would be a good match for Jen.
One last tangent and then I’m off. Jen’s 40 yr old abs could kick the crap out of any other female from 20 to 50 in a contest and if you notice she is slender without looking skeletal *cough, Angelina, cough*.
Steve Harvey Says To Think Like A Man
There are so many books out there advising women on how to think like men. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and He’s Just Not That Into You are among the most well recognized. Comedian Steve Harvey has thrown his hat into the ring with Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Here he is on Ellen to explain how we women are to do just that…
Okay, so I am not denying that it is helpful to know upfront if he’s “just not that into you” and how we need to put a timer on the pre-engagement clock. I get what the Bob Grants of the world are trying to tell us with “don’t send that email”. And, by the way Bob, I didn’t. I guess what I want is more of what Mom is doing. I’m in a happy relationship and want to keep it that way. I want to know how to make the one I have as happy and lasting as possible. I want to figure out how to keep the sex alive with kids in the picture. I want to figure out how to be attractive when I have a deadline at work and a costume to make for the school play and my nerve endings could substitute for nitroglycerine.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode of Sex in the City. I applauded Berger for setting it straight. It’s just…I’m not single and in search of the perfect guy. I don’t need Steve Harvey or Greg Behrendt right now. I also don’t need Dr Phil lecturing me. I need something a little more fun and a little more practical to my life.
Even if Mom wasn’t my…well…mom, I would still recommend her approach. We all keep score, so why not put the scorekeeping to our advantage. Frequent Foreplay Miles has certainly helped my marriage. We even take it a step further with a chart on the wall so that if my husband wants to remind me of something he’s done he can put it on the chart (just so I don’t forget).
Come on, Ellen! Let the singles sit a spell and put someone on for those of us who are already married.
I Do Not Love Twilight. No. Really. I Don’t.
It’s just that my hatred has driven me to obsession. *heavy sigh before beginning the Mantra: I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom...*
Twilight makes me mad in the way that Romeo and Juliet made me mad, in the way that Jane Eyre made me mad, in the way that Wuthering Heights made me mad, and in the way that Jane Austen has never made me mad. The characters that we are being told have this perfect love that we ought to admire, simply, do not. Mr Knightly and Emma–true love. Mr Darcy and Lizzy Bennet–true love. Bella and Edward, meh, not so much.
Unlike the aforementioned classics that tick me off, it is not the brooding loner of this story that I despise. No, no. Edward gets a pass from me–and not just because he also played Cedric Diggory (I’m firmly on Team Rowland). Edward seems to be a stand up guy who attempts to do the right thing. In fact, all of the menfolk in Twilight are admirable. Hmm. That’s interesting. *shakes off the tangent she was about to embark on* No, no. It’s not Edward that bugs the bajeebers out of me. It’s Bella.
Bella Swan is the world’s most inconsiderate individual who ever staked a claim on love. Her mother is her “best friend” and she loves her. Yet…she treats her like crap. Her father is her “dear friend” and she loves him, but she deceives him and shows him the appreciation of a five year old. She forbears her new girlfriends. *heavy sigh* Her lack of interest in their interests is all too apparent, and yet they bestow slavish devotion upon her–hey! If there are any teenage girls that stumble upon this blog if you take away anything from reading my posts, take away the fact that someday you will need a good girlfriend. Respect them. Cultivate them. Love and appreciate them. Okay, back to my rant… Bella “loves” Edward but has so little respect for him or what he is going through that she puts his entire family (and hers) in danger just to be with him. Don’t get me started on how she treated Jacob…
I think you get my point. I am a Twilight “playah hater” because I need to like my protagonist and Steph (may I call you “Steph”) hasn’t given me one that I can like. So where am I going with this and what is my angst all about?
Ellen.
Now, we rabid Ellen watchers know all about Ellen’s “Twilight” contest. The world’s biggest Twilight fan wins a trip to be on Ellen. Oh, the agony…the agony of knowing some Bella fan will sit by my Ellen! *wipes tear*
By now you ought to know my obsession with Ellen DeGeneres. I adore Ellen. I would do anything to meet her. I would do anything to get Mom on her show. So what do I do? I am not so much a fan of Twilight as an anti-fan. Yet, I am have spent probably as much time and energy on that series as any girl wearing a “Sparkle” t-shirt. Could I…should I make a run for it?
Oh! Before I go…here’s the trailer for New Moon. I won’t comment on how it looks because I only watched it twenty-three times already so who am I to judge.
Jon Minus Nine
Well, I guess we all knew it was coming. *sadly takes down the Jon Plus Kate vision board from the wall*
I’m just gonna say it. Kate Gosselin is nuts.
Maybe that five million looks good right now but she’s got a million dollar mortgage, agents to pay, lawyers to pay, bodyguards to pay, and an income that is only going to decrease now that the “happy family” schtick is gone. She alienated herself from her parents and siblings, she is divorcing the one person who shares equal love for her children and would gladly help care for their needs, and for what exactly?
Does she think that she is personable enough to be a talk show host? Doubtful. Will people be willing to shell out money on books about raising up a happy family or organic cooking now that everyone under the sun knows there are nannies, caterers, and bodyguards all assisting the Gosselins? Doubtful. Does she believe that people will want to watch a show about how she is going it alone when there is the Octomom out there with eight plus six? Especially when the Octomom chose to make herself into a busted Angelina Jolie and has two outspoken (and funny as heck) parents there to make her life miserable for the home audience in much the same way that Kate made Jon’s.
Since this is a Get Mom on Ellen blog I suppose I should pull up a video of Ellen and Portia showing the world how a healthy relationship looks–and they do look happy, but they’ve also only been married a few years. I am now going to submit to you another reality show couple who proved that there is no reality show relationship curse, a couple that really knows and appreciates the art of clocking Frequent Foreplay Miles: Ozzy and Sharon!
Drug addiction. Infidelity. Weight gain. Weight loss. Alcoholism. Drug addiction, part deux. Cancer. And yet…they’re still together, still in love, and still racking up those Frequent Foreplay Miles. There is always a path to happiness together if you choose it, and they chose it. In fact, they are happier than ever.
How did they do it? They did it by putting enough points in the bank that when they had to take some out there was still plenty on reserve. They did it by treating each other well. They did it by laughing. They did it by become their own team and saying: screw you world! Allow me to paraphrase Mr Sinatra…they did it their way.
So…Ozzy and Sharon, Ellen and Portia…and to all the other couples out there who make it work in good times and bad, have a glass of the good stuff and salute yourself.
Cheers!
Get Mom On Ellen Idea No. 5004: Frequent Foreplay Miles Infomercial
Talking about the Frequent Foreplay Miles Calculator in my last post got me thinking (and you know how dangerous that can be!) Ellen loves infomercials!
We could make an informercial and post it on Youtube! Can you picture it? Mom and I are behind a counter with stacks of Frequent Foreplay Miles in front of us. To our left is a couple who has had some obvious issues in the past. Let’s call them “John” and “Cait”. *roll video*
John and Cait are having marital troubles. Cait feels like John doesn’t have the same priorities for raising their ten children, and she feels unappreciated and overloaded with housework. John feels like Cait belittles him and treats him like one of the kids. Mom arrives at their house “unannounced” where she proceeds to hand copies of her book along with the FFM calculator as they smile gratefully. *cut back to Mom and I*
Lisa: Well, Mom, that couple sure had their work cut out for them.
Mom: Lisa, they sure did! When I arrived John was deep in FFM deficit with Kate and his Foreplay Navigator had been sizzled by an electrical storm over Castrationville.
Lisa (shakes head): That sounds terrible! I really can’t see a way back from life as a eunuch.
Mom (smiles at the camera and winks): That’s what you think. John…Cait. Why don’t you tell us how things are going?
Cait (beams brightly at her husband): Shela, within three weeks of using your system John’s IQ went up by fifty points and I started to notice a real change in how he did things around the house. Instead of waiting on me to change his Depends he can now use the potty by himself. He has started to acknowledge my contributions in little ways like shopping at Whole Foods for me instead of the local Minimart. Also, the bonus “FFM Co-ed Shock Collar” you threw in has worked wonders in keeping him home on weekends. Thanks so much, Shela.
John: Yes! And I learned that preparing dinner in such a way as to enable us to eat on time is one way that Cait shows she loves us. After reading your book, Cait allowed me to use some of our royalty money from Bravo to undergo testicle transplants and now I am a fully functioning male again. Thanks, Shela!
Lisa (looks to her mother, surprised): Wow! You really made a difference in their marriage, Mom.
Mom: The secret to a happy marriage is earning those Foreplay Miles, Lisa. Well, that and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to Adam and Eve…
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