I Do Not Love Twilight. No. Really. I Don’t.

It’s just that my hatred has driven me to obsession.  *heavy sigh before beginning the Mantra: I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom…I am not a Twilight mom...*

Twilight makes me mad in the way that Romeo and Juliet made me mad, in the way that Jane Eyre made me mad, in the way that Wuthering Heights made me mad, and in the way that Jane Austen has never made me mad.  The characters that we are being told have this perfect love that we ought to admire, simply, do not.  Mr Knightly and Emma–true love.  Mr Darcy and Lizzy Bennet–true love.  Bella and Edward, meh, not so much.

Unlike the aforementioned classics that tick me off, it is not the brooding loner of this story that I despise.  No, no.  Edward gets a pass from me–and not just because he also played Cedric Diggory (I’m firmly on Team Rowland). Edward seems to be a stand up guy who attempts to do the right thing.  In fact, all of the menfolk in Twilight are admirable.  Hmm.  That’s interesting.  *shakes off the tangent she was about to embark on*  No, no.  It’s not Edward that bugs the bajeebers out of me.  It’s Bella.

Bella Swan is the world’s most inconsiderate individual who ever staked a claim on love.  Her mother is her “best friend” and she loves her.  Yet…she treats her like crap.  Her father is her “dear friend” and she loves him, but she deceives him and shows him the appreciation of a five year old.  She forbears her new girlfriends.  *heavy sigh*   Her lack of interest in their interests is all too apparent, and yet they bestow slavish devotion upon her–hey!  If there are any teenage girls that stumble upon this blog if you take away anything from reading my posts, take away the fact that someday you will need a good girlfriend.  Respect them.  Cultivate them.  Love and appreciate them.  Okay, back to my rant… Bella “loves” Edward but has so little respect for him or what he is going through that she puts his entire family (and hers) in danger just to be with him.  Don’t get me started on how she treated Jacob…

I think you get my point.  I am a Twilight “playah hater” because I need to like my protagonist and Steph (may I call you “Steph”) hasn’t given me one that I can like.  So where am I going with this and what is my angst all about?

Ellen.

Now, we rabid Ellen watchers know all about Ellen’s “Twilight” contest.  The world’s biggest Twilight fan wins a trip to be on Ellen.  Oh, the agony…the agony of knowing some Bella fan will sit by my Ellen!  *wipes tear*

By now you ought to know my obsession with Ellen DeGeneres.  I adore Ellen.  I would do anything to meet her.  I would do anything to get Mom on her show.  So what do I do?  I am not so much a fan of Twilight as an anti-fan.  Yet, I am have spent probably as much time and energy on that series as any girl wearing a “Sparkle” t-shirt.  Could I…should I make a run for it?

Oh!  Before I go…here’s the trailer for New Moon.  I won’t comment on how it looks because I only watched it twenty-three times already so who am I to judge.

I Love Men Who Sparkle

I just saw a tshirt on a “tween” that said: I <3 Men Who Sparkle.   If’ I’d seen that shirt a year ago I would have thought she had just come from the Ice Capades or DuPont Circle, but now *heavy sigh* I know it just means that the person wearing it is a Twilight fan who is on “Team Edward”.  For those Ellen fans who don’t know about “Edward” much less “Twilight” I salute you.  I have not been able to avoid this knowledge so, please, forward me the name of the remote island you’ve been vacationing on for the past year because I want to go there.  If you’re curious about the Twilight phenomenon then I submit this to you:

Yeh.  I know.  The hair.  If you’re a mother you would be compelled to grab the kid and run him under a shower until its clean again.  However, I have been told that he’s back to looking like this again <insert gratutitous kissing scene for any Twilight Teen that has stumbled onto this page accidentally>

Now, I am not a Twilight fan.  Let’s get that straight right away.  When I say that I think the character of Bella Swan is the biggest “Mary Sue” in print literature it’s not hyperbole.  I really do.  I think the novel is poorly written, the characters scream “fanfiction”, blah blah blah I hate Twilight.  And yet….I’ve read the books (borrowed not bought) and have watched the movie several times already. In fact, I spent the whole movie griping to my husband about how terrible it is–to which he logically replied: Good! Then let’s stop watching it. Two hours later I am putting the DVD back in the case and griping about how the ending was total crap, and my husband agreed and then asked me why we had to buy the movie as opposed to rent it.  I feebly responded with: It was on sale?

*mind flashes to the scene of Robert Pattinson playing piano*

Dear Lord!  Do I love men who sparkle?